9 Ways to Ward Off Your Worries

9 Ways to Ward Off Your Worries

Worrying is like a magnifying glass: It enlarges everything.

It empowers anxiety. It gives anxiety legs, fuel and a superhero costume.

You get the picture: Worrying gives us a false sense of control.

I’m a worrywart, who feels like she has to worry. (Don’t all worrywarts?) Because if I’m not concerned about one thing or another, that means I have no choice but to relax.

And relaxing feels strange — not always, but most of the time.

Relaxing means that the grip on control is loosened.

For many people, worrying is living. You can’t help but worry. You have an endless list of “what ifs?” What if I lose my job? What if I get into a car accident right now? What if dinner is disgusting? What if the weather is bad? What if I miss my flight?

Concern after concern pops into your head. Before you know it, you’ve become an anxious mess. Up at night. Tired and exhausted. Brain buzzing with “what ifs.”

Of course, worrywarts can be quite adept at concealing the messiness, and showing a cool-as-a-cucumber exterior, while we’re screaming inside.

Whether you worry every day or here and there, these strategies can help you ward off your worries and reduce your anxiety.

1. Ask yourself right now if you can do something about it. The problem with worry, among others, is that it steals everyday moments. It prevents us from living in the present and enjoying ourselves. In an article on Beliefnet.com, author Allia Zobel Nolan writes:

You’re at the movies and a worrisome thought crosses your mind. Did I check whether the documents were sent tonight to my client? This thought leads to another and another: If it didn’t get sent, maybe I can drop it off in the morning? But I have a breakfast meeting with the V.P. tomorrow. In the meantime, half the movie has gone by, and you’ve missed it.

Zobel Nolan suggests asking ourselves: “Can I do anything about this matter right now, right this minute?”

If you can’t, write down your worry, release it and focus on right now.

2. Block out “worry time.” If your worries are interfering with your day, schedule a time each day that you’re going to worry — and only worry during that time. If a worrisome thought comes into your mind, just say to yourself “I’ll worry about this at 7 p.m.”Also, during your “worry time,” brainstorm some ways you can fix your concerns. Some of your worries may be legitimate and no doubt you’ll feel much better if you create actionable solutions.
3. Realize that worrying is a choice and do something better with your time. This is another tip from Zobel Nolan. Sure, we don’t have complete control over our thoughts, but thinking of worry as a choice is empowering. You don’t have to feed your worry. Once Zobel Nolan notices that worries are swirling in her head, she focuses on another activity, “something that requires your complete mental attention.”Think of your favorite activities that distract you, calm you down and give you laser-like focus. Maybe that’s reading inspiring lines from a book, praying, meditating or doing a puzzle.
4. Flood a piece of paper with your worries. When your brain is bursting with worries, write them down. Release all those cooped-up worries from the corners of your mind, and let the paper deal with them. By writing down your worries, you feel as though you’re emptying your brain, and you feel lighter and less tense.
5. Identify the deeper threats behind your worries and instead work on those. Robert L. Leahy, Ph.D, writes in his book, The Worry Cure: Seven Steps to Stop Worry from Stopping You (read an excerpt here):

You worry about some things but not others. Why? Your core belief is the source of the worry. It may be your concern about being imperfect, being abandoned, feeling helpless, looking like a fool, or acting irresponsibly.

So dig deeper into your worries to find the actual root of the problem. Do your worries revolve around the same theme or several similar themes? Write them down and look for patterns.

If you tackle the root cause, there’s a good chance that these worries won’t come up anymore — or won’t be so powerful.

6. Feel your feelings. What does worrying have to do with identifying and processing your emotions? According to Leahy, worrying is what we do to avoid unpleasant or painful emotions. He writes:

You are afraid of your feelings because you think you should be rational, in control, never upset, always clear in how you feel, and on top of things. Even though you recognize that you’re a nervous wreck, your fear of your feelings drives you into more worry.

7. Participate in physical activity. Physical activity helps in calming your nerves and clearing your mind. When I work out, my worries seem to melt away. Of course, they don’t vanish but physical activity has a way of putting life into perspective. Those happy endorphins probably have something to do with it, too. Just be sure to engage in physical activities that you genuinely enjoy and that make you happy.
8. Practice regular self-care. When you’re overworked, stressed-out and sleep-deprived, anxiety and worry thrive. So work on getting enough sleep, taking time out to engage in enjoyable activities and nourishing your body.
9. See a therapist. Maybe you’ve tried the above tips to no avail or your worry has worsened. If worry is ruling your world — interfering with work, your relationships or daily life in general — consider seeing a therapist. You can search for a therapist using this tool.

What do you usually worry about? What kinds of themes or patterns surround your worries? What’s worked for you in warding off your worries?

Tips for dealing with the 'January blues'

The Christmas and New Year glow can dim quickly, leaving a section of the population with the “January blues”.
A Northern Territory psychologist has some timely advice to help minimise the post-holiday doldrums.
Senior Lecturer in Psychology at Charles Darwin University, Dr Peter Forster said that people often set themselves up for disappointment by having expectations of the Christmas and New Years period that were too high.
Dr Forster said that if the holiday period did not live up to those expectations, there could be a sense of let down after it’s over.
“Many people feel a bit down when they go back to work after a holiday and there can be a distinct air of gloom over an organisation and this can be contagious,” he said.
“Obviously, quite a few families have financial worries at this time of year. Some families expect everyone to give expensive presents and when that is added to all the other expenses it can be a real problem when the post-Christmas bills arrive.”
High on Dr Forster’s list of how we can deal with the “January blues” is to try to forget about ourselves for a while and help others.
“Contribute to your local community, for example,” he said.
“It helps you, it builds communities and it helps create resources that you can draw on in the future if times get hard. Being part of a strong, supportive community is one of the best ‘anti-stress pills’ you can have.”
Dr Forster’s tips for dealing with the January blues include:
• Take regular exercise that you enjoy
• Don’t try to cope by drinking alcohol or you’ll give yourself more problems to deal with
• Despite all the temptations of the season, try to eat a healthy and balanced diet
• Take time to relax, if only for a few minutes a day
• Make sure you get enough sleep
• Prioritise your tasks by importance.

A Christmas Wish for Peace on Earth

Peace comes not by imposing our wills or asserting the correctness of our ways and beliefs over others, but by reckoning with our own hearts.

 “Peace on the earth, goodwill to men,” cry the touching lyrics of the popular carol It Came Upon a Midnight Clear. Every year at Christmas time, our thoughts turn to the seemingly elusive but long-held quest for peace and harmony. But will a just, genuine and lasting peace ever come? Perhaps the answer to that question rests not so much with our governments, military, and political leaders, but within each of our hearts.

Human beings have always fought one another. Strife has been a major part of life since life began. But the reasons we fight and the ways we fight have never been fully understood.

For a long time, it was presumed that in a world with plenty for everyone, there would be no need for war, intolerance, or injustice. Need, deprivation, and desperation were thought to be the roots of conflict and war. But there is something in us all that’s more fundamentally responsible for the tumultuous world in which we live. It’s the will to power and dominance that’s the real culprit. And the desire to dominate doesn’t have to spring from the need to overcome disadvantage.

Psychologists have long known about the connection between beliefs, attitudes, and behavior. What we think about things, how we interpret events around us, the core values we hold, all influence how we will behave toward one another. Sometimes, even irrational and dysfunctional beliefs can be held with catastrophic conviction. And when those beliefs are coupled with the will to power and dominance, you can fairly well predict that unholy hell or war will soon break out. It’s one thing to believe really strongly in something, but it’s another thing entirely to desire that everyone believe just as we believe. Danger always looms whenever we decide that our way is the way or that our way of seeing things is the way everyone should see things.

The world is at a crossroads in the history of our social evolution. Some very prominent and deeply ingrained systems of thought are clashing with one another. For some ardent believers, peace can only come when everyone else’s beliefs and values crumble and bow in submission to their own. There are also some who in the name of ardent beliefs and values seek only power and dominance. For them, it’s not really so much a matter of whether others come to see things their way as it is that others simply do as they command. For still others, there’s the issue of unhealthy pride that prevents them from acknowledging any deficiency in their ways of thinking or behaving, which prompts their desire to find enemies they can blame for the dysfunctional state of their existence. When you look very closely at all the events of the time, one can’t help but thinking that the world might indeed be marching toward something quite ominous — something like a climactic showdown.

Peace on earth will not come until we face the most crafty of all enemies: ourselves. We hold the key to peace and harmony in our hearts. And what the world needs now, more than anything, is a change of heart. We won’t get along with one another until we start being honest with ourselves and one another about what we really want, what we really believe, and what we’re really willing to sacrifice to achieve the peace and harmony that has long eluded us.

This Christmas, let us spend some time reflecting on the sentiments that have always been associated with the season. While we celebrate with family and friends, let us also pledge ourselves to our part in the ages-old quest for peace on earth and goodwill toward men. Let us commit to changing the world, not by imposing our wills or asserting the correctness of our ways and beliefs over others, but by reckoning with our own hearts. That’s how the world will be transformed: one heart at a time.

5 Ways to Beat the Christmas Blues

Stop holiday stress from turning into holiday blues with these five tips — and get back to what the season can be all about.

The year-end holidays can be a very special time indeed. Getting together with friends and family and sharing the joys of the season can be a time to build life-long remembrances. But for some, the holidays can be a time of great stress. Folks struggling with losses, undergoing conflict and upheaval, and dealing with painful emotional issues can experience the “blues,” sometimes exacerbated by the knowledge that others they know do not share their misery.
Finding some ways to prevent or beat the Christmas season blues can make all the difference for those struggling to capture at least part of the spirit of the holiday. After surveying the advice of many experts on issues ranging from holiday stress and anxiety to dealing with losses and overcoming depression, a consensus emerged about the things a person can do to stave off or reduce the blues:

Acceptance.

Whatever the circumstances are that might keep you from enjoying the holidays to the fullest, it’s important to acknowledge what’s not in your power to control, to avoid blaming yourself and compounding any misery, and to find room for acceptance of yourself and your situation. That’s not the same as giving up hope. It just means acknowledging circumstances as they are and not making matters worse by casting harmful or unwarranted negative aspersions toward oneself for the situation at hand.

Take care of yourself.

Be sure to eat right, sleep right, get as much exercise as possible, and take time to relax. Pamper yourself a bit. Take time to break open that book you’ve been wanting to read. Take a warm, relaxing bath. Sip a nourishing drink. Treat yourself to a not-so-serious movie. Even in tough times — especially in tough times — it’s important to be attentive to your most basic needs.

Involve yourself with the people and the activities you love.

Call up an old friend. Go window-shopping with a partner-in-crime. Even if you have to be home and for one reason or another have to remain alone, surround yourself with some of the things you love. Put some favorite songs on the stereo. Watch a favorite old movie on TV. Make your immediate environment as pleasant and comforting as possible.

Throw some light on the situation.

Take some walks outdoors, especially if it’s sunny. Sunshine has a remarkable capacity to brighten spirits as well as the day.

Find some way to give.

It’s so easy to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for yourself when you face difficult circumstances during the holidays. And while you might not feel very inclined to do so in the beginning, it’s always helpful to find some way to give of yourself to others. Not only is that what the season is supposed to be about, but also it can be a real boost to the despondent spirit to become involved in an enterprise that positively impacts others.

‘Tis the season to be joyful and merry. And if life’s many trials and tribulations have put a damper on your usual holiday spirit, you might have a real challenge on your hands just to get through the season with a minimum of stress. But it’s important to remember that the true meaning of the season is not in all the festivities or all the gifts given and received. The real spirit of the holiday, and the greatest gift you can possibly share, is the one you alone can offer: the gift of love.

How to Cope with the Holiday Season Stress

North Pole Conference Tackles Holiday Stress
By Tim O'Brien

DATELINE: The North Pole

A press release from the North Pole hit the wire today. The release gave details of a unique conference convened by Mr. S. Claus. The delegates represented many diverse groups. The primary focus was on ways to help people "handle the holidays."

The group identified the four primary causes of Holiday stress as: Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and New Year's Eve. However, everyone in attendance wanted the world to know that the conference position paper, "10 Hints for a Happier Holidays," would work all year round.

Passed by a unanimous vote, here are the elf and electorate's "10 Hints for Happier Holidays."

1.Hide, it works nearly every time. If you need a little break, admit it and seek refuge. Go to a private place and take a few long deep breaths and sing your favorite Holiday tune to regroup.

2. Rehearse the worst, and then if it happens, you've made preparations. And since the worst seldom happens, you can make a game out of what does.
  
3. Get organized early. List all your holiday chores: cards if you send them, decorating the house, gifts, special cooking, wrapping, and mailing. Just listing everything you have to do, helps you feel less harried. Set a schedule and do a little every day. Check items off your list as you complete them. This will show your progress. Address a card or two per day. Wrap while you watch a favorite TV show. Remember, procrastination is the real "Grinch that stole Christmas."
  
4. Reinstate the draft; get everyone in the house to help. Share the fun, share the duties. Children too, just confine them to one room so if they make a mess you only have one room to redecorate in the spring.
  
5. Use modern innovations to make your traditions easier. Say you have 5 dozen cookies to send in with Johnny or Mary for the school party. Throw away the "from scratch" recipe. Buy a tube of ready mix, cook them 2 minutes less than they say (it makes them chewy). Put some sprinkles on the cookies and swear the children to secrecy. This creates little mess and is fast.
  
6. Moderation and "this too will pass." No matter what we think to the contrary, there will only be 31 days in December this year. If events get rough, start the countdown. Look forward to something in January, like December being over. Use moderation in eating, drinking and spending. You don't want a head, belt or debt hangover.
  
7. Empathy works when you think the world is out to get you. Look around. There are undoubtedly others who are worse off. If you see someone struggling, offer help if appropriate. Focus on what you do have, "count your blessings." Remember, love is free to share. And, it comes in unlimited supply to those who use it.
  
8. QTIP: The next time you're in a holiday traffic jam, or stuck in a slow checkout line; remember QTIP, and "Quit Taking It Personally." The checkout line isn't there to drive you crazy. The stop light is not a part of a plan to ruin your day. Don't get upset about what is beyond your control.
  
9. Contrarian shoppers start early and end early. Take an early lunch and shop on off days at the mall. Use mail order if the price is right. Have a detailed list of gifts with alternates if your first choice isn't available. Consider shopping year round for the holidays. Often, summer sales mean better gifts next year.
 
10. The Chemistry of Joy will see you through. There is an actual chemistry of joy and happiness that occurs within us. It is a chemical reaction caused by signals our brain gives to our autonomic nervous system. A positive, happy outlook triggers immune strengthening responses in our body. Laugh, enjoy humor, sing, and think about the joy you give to others and that they give you. 
 
Happy Holidays everyone, and have a happy, healthier year of your dreams in 2011.

(c) Copyright 1998 Timothy J. O'Brien

How to Spot a Dangerous Man...and avoid or escape harmful relationships.

The Power of Relapsing

Never before in my  career have I seen more 'relapsing back into pathological relationships' than I have lately.

"What's wrong with me? Why do I do this?" they ask. My answer is -- I don't know... why DO you do it?

"I didn't know what I was doing..." Yes you did. Contact is a choice.

"I just thought he changed this time." No you didn't -- you know pathology is permanent.

"I was lonely." O.K., loneliness is not fatal -- but these relationships often are. Your loneliness and need does not change his permanent disorder.

Nothing has changed except your thoughts about him and the relationship. That's the only change. Since pathology is marked by an inability to change and sustain positive change, your thoughts are the only change in the relationship that there is. And maybe your desire or need.

Relapsing begins FIRST in the mind long before it becomes a behavior-seeking missile that is fired off to destroy yourself and your recovery. This is why being in a Pathological Love Relationship Support Group is so important -- whether that's in a chat forum, an in-person support group you attend, or an online tele-conferencing group. You need support that keeps your THINKING outside of the fantasy zone. Without support, you are likely to sink right back into the old fantasy hopefulness that keeps you glued to a go-nowhere and dangerous relationship.

Relapse Thinking sounds like this in your head:

• You take all the material you've learned from books or online back to the pathological and try to convince them they are pathological and need help.

• You tell them what your counselor has said about them, you, or the relationship--hoping the impact from a professional will 'change their mind' about their condition.

• You say, "Now that I 'think' I know what 'might' be wrong with them, I'll wait and watch for them to do these behaviors. Then I'll have evidence for why I'm leaving."

• When they, in fact DO one of the behaviors, you either point it out to them as proof you were right, or, you find reasons why the behavior isn't 'exactly' what you read and therefore, they may not be pathological afterall!

• You read the materials and literature looking to find all the traits they don't have. You reread the literature on good days so you can cross off behaviors they aren't doing today.

• You find reasons to disbelieve the literature about the disorder.

• You avoid your counselor, this website, or others who know about the disorder.

• You become 'spiritually hopeful' so you can stay in the relationship because "God is going to heal them."

• You begin reading 'Positive' Psychology materials so you can HOPE he can change - even though pathology is about no-change.

• You call his girlfriends or exes to get them to confirm or deny he's pathological.

• You hire a private investigator to follow them, hack into their phone or computer, for 'just a little more info' on why you should leave them (but then, you don't leave.)

• You feel sorry for them more than you feel anger for your own pain.

• You focus on the few good times and stuff your own feelings about the deceitful behavior.

• You encourage them to carrot-dangle some future hope or potential to you so you can say "We're try it ONE MORE time."

• You think you are confronting them because you stand up to them and so you are not being victimized by them if you are voicing your thoughts.

• You minimize their previous deceitful, manipulative, dangerous, exploitative or lethal beahvior by saying "I was probably over exaggerating it."

• You label yourself "just as sick as they are" so you might as well stay with them. No one healthy would want you.

• You envy their lack of conscience and remorse and see it as a 'good life' feature and wish you were like that and cared less about what happened to you. Everything seems to go their way when they lack conscience.

• You hyper-focus on their behavior and avoid taking care of yourself. The relationship/them become the reason for: your unhappiness, health, financial, or other problems.

• You study to death all the traits of every kind of disorder you think they might have and don't leave because you 'want to totally understand it before you leave' and need 'just a little bit more' understanding or validation from others -- their family, their therapist, your therapist, your friends, etc.

• You start softening, missing them, minimizing their behavior, focusing on your own loneliness, panic about who or what they are doing, make excuses to have contact with them. And ~ Voila~ you're back in.

The 'emergency session' calls that everyone wants to have is always AFTER they have done one of these behaviors and then feels awful about their relapse. The emergency session needs to be WHILE you are having these thoughts and BEFORE you acted on them.

Every time you go through one of these cycles of relapses, it just numbs you more to why you should be out. It makes it easier and easier to relapse. And easier for the thinking to start back up in your head and be totally unrecognized by you.

Damage is done to YOU each time you are in and out of the pathological love relationship, damaging your sense of reality even further -- training YOURSELF how to hypnotize your belief system with one of the thinking phrases listed above. You are also teaching the pathological how to get you back in the relationship.
They aren't stupid! They are master behavior analysts that study what works with you. Stop teaching them!

There is so much that the pathological relationship has legitimately done and damaged in you. But there is so much you DO TO YOURSELF in your relapsing. Relapse prevention requires work. It doesn't just 'happen' that you declare you are 'done' and you stay gone. If it takes a whole village to raise a child, it takes a whole community to help you get out and stay out until MUCH MORE TIME down the road, you are strong enough on your own.

I said, MUCH MORE TIME.

Day one of healing does not happen until you are out and have been out and have been emotionally disconnected for SEVERAL months. People who say they are recovering but are in and out and having constant relapse contact, I don't consider to have even day-one under their belt.

• For those of you who are truly ready to start a new life, we are here to help you.

• If you are still playing cat and mouse games with pathology, contact us when you're serious.

We are offering NEW online tele-conferencing support groups. Here's one way to get the support and help you need to get out and stay out. And don't forget we offer help in almost every format imaginable: books, e-books, workbooks, hypnosis CDs, mindfulness skills training, retreats, phone counseling... there just isn't a reason to stay stuck.

Unwedge yourself!

Facebook isn't about close friendships....

A growing number of therapists and inpatient rehabilitation centers are often treating Web addicts with the same approaches, including 12-step programs, used to treat chemical addictions.
Because the condition is not recognized in psychiatry as a disorder, insurance companies do not reimburse for treatment. So patients either pay out of pocket, or therapists and treatment centers bill for other afflictions, including the nonspecific impulse control disorder.

These specialists estimate that 6 percent to 10 percent of the approximately 189 million Internet users in tthe US  have a dependency that can be as destructive as alcoholism and drug addiction, and they are rushing to treat it. Yet some in the field remain skeptical that heavy use of the Internet qualifies as a legitimate addiction, and one academic expert called it a fad illness.
Skeptics argue that even obsessive Internet use does not exact the same toll on health or family life as conventionally recognized addictions. But, mental health professionals who support the diagnosis of Internet addiction say, a majority of obsessive users are online to further addictions to gambling or pornography or have become much more dependent on those vices because of their prevalence on the Internet.
But other users have a broader dependency and spend hours online each day, surfing the Web, trading stocks, instant messaging or blogging, and a fast-rising number are becoming addicted to Internet video games.....