Don't Fall for Infidelity

Don’t Fall for Infidelity

I’m annoyed by infidelity.

What’s gotten me so annoyed to write about it are radio advertisements I hear for a website that encourages people to cheat on their spouse or significant other, acting as though it were a common or even normal experience.

Infidelity — or cheating, as people often refer to it — is neither common nor normal. If you’ve come to the fork in the road where you’ve cheated or are considering cheating on your partner, it’s time to acknowledge another reality — your primary romantic relationship is in trouble. Serious trouble.

You can go down the easy road and cheat — because, after all, somewhere between 10 and 20 percent of people in relationships do. Or you can acknowledge something is going on with your relationship and work to fix it. Cheating is never a sign of a healthy relationship after all.

And if you can’t fix it, you’ll do the honorable thing — leave the relationship first. Before cheating.

Why People Cheat

• Significant, ongoing, unresolved problems in the primary, long-term relationship or marriage
• A significant difference in sex drive between the two partners
• The older the primary relationship
• A greater difference in personality than perhaps the partners realize
• And to a far lesser extent, perhaps some theoretical, evolutionary remnants that may have reinforced multiple partners over monogamy (although this is just a hypothetical argument that would be difficult to disprove)

Regardless of the reason why a person may turn to infidelity, the reality is that it’s the expression of an underlying issue in that person’s life and/or relationship. And while cheating fixes that problem short-term, it’s just that — a shallow, short-term fix.

Cheating, as people soon discover, is complicated. Even if no emotions are involved in the illicit affair, keeping the stories and lies straight, and ensuring uncomfortable questions don’t arise becomes a quickly complex dance. That’s why most affairs don’t remain a secret — it’s just too hard.

Remember, if cheating was normal or okay, there’d be no need for the secrecy. In fact, the secrecy is a part of what makes an affair so sexually attractive in the first place. But secrecy has no place in a long-term, committed relationship.

What Cheating Means About Your Relationship

Contrary to what these cheating websites would have you believe, cheating is not a sign of a normal, healthy long-term relationship. It is a sign that something is seriously wrong. People who cheat have basically lost all hope for their relationship, and all respect for their partner.

Infidelity — whether real or contemplated (outside of the random fantasy you’d never act upon) — suggests your relationship is in trouble. You can, of course, deny that and say you just need some variety in your sexual life. But if that’s the kind of person you are, you simply shouldn’t be in any long-term, monogamous relationship. Folks like George Clooney have seemingly figured this out for themselves; you should too.

Because it’s only fair. An affair means you have little respect for your partner — so little, in fact, that you’re happy to be indiscreet with someone else without your partner’s knowledge. If you have so little respect for another human being, why are you in a long-term relationship with them?

Oh, “the children.” Well, sorry to break it to you, but the children would be better off without two parents who are living a lie. All that teaches children is that you have to remain in an unhappy relationship even when you don’t want to.

If it’s for another reason, it must be a doozie. The rationalizations and justifications you must use to justify an affair must be very special indeed.

We’re on this Earth for a very short time. How we treat others is a reflection on ourselves. If we treat others — others that we proclaim that we love in one breath — in a way that is disrespectful and disregards their own feelings, well, that says a lot about a person’s character.

Cheating Should be Avoided

I’m not the morality police, so ultimately, it’s your choice. All I’m suggesting is that if you’re considering cheating, or if you’ve already cheated, it’s time to come clean. To yourself… To your partner. Are you in this relationship for the right reasons? Is this how you want to live the rest of your life (with lies and secrecy)? Yes, I understand cheating can be “hot.” But is that temporary sexual release worth your integrity, your honor, and your word?

If your relationship needs some attention or help — get help! Go to a couple’s counselor or a marriage therapist (it’s really inexpensive compared to the costs of infidelity and a divorce) and work — openly and honestly — toward a positive resolution.

I find long-term relationships most often lose that “spark” that marked the beginning of their relationship because the couple has grown apart emotionally. The good news is that you can learn to grow together again. All it takes is a commitment and willingness on both people’s parts.

If you’re not willing to do that, do the right thing — break up with your partner. Don’t disrespect them by cheating on them.

9 Ways to Ward Off Your Worries

9 Ways to Ward Off Your Worries

Worrying is like a magnifying glass: It enlarges everything.

It empowers anxiety. It gives anxiety legs, fuel and a superhero costume.

You get the picture: Worrying gives us a false sense of control.

I’m a worrywart, who feels like she has to worry. (Don’t all worrywarts?) Because if I’m not concerned about one thing or another, that means I have no choice but to relax.

And relaxing feels strange — not always, but most of the time.

Relaxing means that the grip on control is loosened.

For many people, worrying is living. You can’t help but worry. You have an endless list of “what ifs?” What if I lose my job? What if I get into a car accident right now? What if dinner is disgusting? What if the weather is bad? What if I miss my flight?

Concern after concern pops into your head. Before you know it, you’ve become an anxious mess. Up at night. Tired and exhausted. Brain buzzing with “what ifs.”

Of course, worrywarts can be quite adept at concealing the messiness, and showing a cool-as-a-cucumber exterior, while we’re screaming inside.

Whether you worry every day or here and there, these strategies can help you ward off your worries and reduce your anxiety.

1. Ask yourself right now if you can do something about it. The problem with worry, among others, is that it steals everyday moments. It prevents us from living in the present and enjoying ourselves. In an article on Beliefnet.com, author Allia Zobel Nolan writes:

You’re at the movies and a worrisome thought crosses your mind. Did I check whether the documents were sent tonight to my client? This thought leads to another and another: If it didn’t get sent, maybe I can drop it off in the morning? But I have a breakfast meeting with the V.P. tomorrow. In the meantime, half the movie has gone by, and you’ve missed it.

Zobel Nolan suggests asking ourselves: “Can I do anything about this matter right now, right this minute?”

If you can’t, write down your worry, release it and focus on right now.

2. Block out “worry time.” If your worries are interfering with your day, schedule a time each day that you’re going to worry — and only worry during that time. If a worrisome thought comes into your mind, just say to yourself “I’ll worry about this at 7 p.m.”Also, during your “worry time,” brainstorm some ways you can fix your concerns. Some of your worries may be legitimate and no doubt you’ll feel much better if you create actionable solutions.
3. Realize that worrying is a choice and do something better with your time. This is another tip from Zobel Nolan. Sure, we don’t have complete control over our thoughts, but thinking of worry as a choice is empowering. You don’t have to feed your worry. Once Zobel Nolan notices that worries are swirling in her head, she focuses on another activity, “something that requires your complete mental attention.”Think of your favorite activities that distract you, calm you down and give you laser-like focus. Maybe that’s reading inspiring lines from a book, praying, meditating or doing a puzzle.
4. Flood a piece of paper with your worries. When your brain is bursting with worries, write them down. Release all those cooped-up worries from the corners of your mind, and let the paper deal with them. By writing down your worries, you feel as though you’re emptying your brain, and you feel lighter and less tense.
5. Identify the deeper threats behind your worries and instead work on those. Robert L. Leahy, Ph.D, writes in his book, The Worry Cure: Seven Steps to Stop Worry from Stopping You (read an excerpt here):

You worry about some things but not others. Why? Your core belief is the source of the worry. It may be your concern about being imperfect, being abandoned, feeling helpless, looking like a fool, or acting irresponsibly.

So dig deeper into your worries to find the actual root of the problem. Do your worries revolve around the same theme or several similar themes? Write them down and look for patterns.

If you tackle the root cause, there’s a good chance that these worries won’t come up anymore — or won’t be so powerful.

6. Feel your feelings. What does worrying have to do with identifying and processing your emotions? According to Leahy, worrying is what we do to avoid unpleasant or painful emotions. He writes:

You are afraid of your feelings because you think you should be rational, in control, never upset, always clear in how you feel, and on top of things. Even though you recognize that you’re a nervous wreck, your fear of your feelings drives you into more worry.

7. Participate in physical activity. Physical activity helps in calming your nerves and clearing your mind. When I work out, my worries seem to melt away. Of course, they don’t vanish but physical activity has a way of putting life into perspective. Those happy endorphins probably have something to do with it, too. Just be sure to engage in physical activities that you genuinely enjoy and that make you happy.
8. Practice regular self-care. When you’re overworked, stressed-out and sleep-deprived, anxiety and worry thrive. So work on getting enough sleep, taking time out to engage in enjoyable activities and nourishing your body.
9. See a therapist. Maybe you’ve tried the above tips to no avail or your worry has worsened. If worry is ruling your world — interfering with work, your relationships or daily life in general — consider seeing a therapist. You can search for a therapist using this tool.

What do you usually worry about? What kinds of themes or patterns surround your worries? What’s worked for you in warding off your worries?

Tips for dealing with the 'January blues'

The Christmas and New Year glow can dim quickly, leaving a section of the population with the “January blues”.
A Northern Territory psychologist has some timely advice to help minimise the post-holiday doldrums.
Senior Lecturer in Psychology at Charles Darwin University, Dr Peter Forster said that people often set themselves up for disappointment by having expectations of the Christmas and New Years period that were too high.
Dr Forster said that if the holiday period did not live up to those expectations, there could be a sense of let down after it’s over.
“Many people feel a bit down when they go back to work after a holiday and there can be a distinct air of gloom over an organisation and this can be contagious,” he said.
“Obviously, quite a few families have financial worries at this time of year. Some families expect everyone to give expensive presents and when that is added to all the other expenses it can be a real problem when the post-Christmas bills arrive.”
High on Dr Forster’s list of how we can deal with the “January blues” is to try to forget about ourselves for a while and help others.
“Contribute to your local community, for example,” he said.
“It helps you, it builds communities and it helps create resources that you can draw on in the future if times get hard. Being part of a strong, supportive community is one of the best ‘anti-stress pills’ you can have.”
Dr Forster’s tips for dealing with the January blues include:
• Take regular exercise that you enjoy
• Don’t try to cope by drinking alcohol or you’ll give yourself more problems to deal with
• Despite all the temptations of the season, try to eat a healthy and balanced diet
• Take time to relax, if only for a few minutes a day
• Make sure you get enough sleep
• Prioritise your tasks by importance.