Avalon Counselling & Psychotherapy Centre

Coping with tne New Year blues this Christmas.

2011-12-22T08:27:00.001+11:00

Coping with the New Year blues this Christmas

Chair of Mental Health at UniSA, Professor Nicholas Procter, says Christmas is a special opportunity for family and friends to re-connect with people - some of who have mental health problems and mental illness, as a means of building resilience to self harm in the New Year.

Professor Procter says there is a common misconception suicide rates increase at Christmas but research indicates it’s in fact early in the New Year where people are more susceptible to self harm and likely to end their life by suicide.

“The evidence suggests that at Christmas relatives and friends are more likely to visit and reach out so often the family becomes a bigger part of one’s life at this time,” he says. “Social and family connectedness is a known protective factor for suicide.”

“Positive efforts of church and charity groups to provide support, special dinners, free presents for children and other social events such as Christmas carols in public places are an effective buffer in helping to alleviate deep social isolation that may be experienced around Christmas.

Professor Procter says self harm and suicide is more likely to take place in the New Year but more study is required as to why this is the case.

“International evidence indicates there are fewer suicide attempts than expected before Christmas and nearly 40 per cent more than expected after, especially on New Year's Day,” he says.

“We can really only draw some inferences on this and the possibilities include some kind of postponement mechanism arising after the Christmas and New Year period, where motivation and opportunity is high at a time of decreased social connectedness.

“Further research is needed to understand the complex interplay between psychosocial and individual factors, as well as known risk factors for suicide.

Although fewer people may self harm at Christmas, Professor Procter says despite the protective barrier provided at Christmas time there will still be many who will exhibit self-harm and suicidal behaviour.

“There is always the group of people, albeit smaller in number who, for a range of complex reasons, have such a strong intent to die that the Christmas/New Year holiday is not significant enough in itself to act as a protective factor,” he says.

“For this group the desire to end their life by suicide is so powerful, they believe that completing the act means they will no longer be a burden to themselves, their family or others.”

If you are concerned for the mental health of a friend or family member Professor Procter suggests:

§ Reach out to people who you know are isolated and vulnerable.

§ Let them know you care and that they are important to you.

§ Try starting a conversation with the person, telling them you are concerned.

§ Help them come around to the idea that while many people can feel this way when faced with a crisis, there are options and their safety is most important.

§ A ‘no secrets’ policy is critical, never agree to keep someone’s suicidal thoughts a secret.

To get a better understanding of the person’s risk you could ask the following questions:

What: do you have a suicide plan?

How: Do you have access to the means to end your life?

When: Have you set aside a time to complete suicide?

The above tips have been adapted from livingisforeveryone.com.au

Anyone with suicidal thoughts can call Lifeline on 131 114 or Kids Helpline 1800 551 800 or for more information on mental illness visit the Beyond Blue website.

9 Ways to Have a Simpler but More Satisfying Holiday

2011-12-19T14:54:00.002+11:00

Let’s face it: We tend to over-complicate the holidays and put a lot of pressure on ourselves (and possibly others) in the process.

“People often have an image of how the holidays should be,” And those shoulds usually translate into pursuit of the perfect holiday. We try to find the perfect presents or plan the perfect parties. And since perfection is impossible, all we end up doing is getting disappointed and stressing ourselves out.

Keeping things simple this holiday season can help you stave off stress and focus on what counts. Each person may have a different idea of what a simple holiday looks like, depending on your traditions, family life and financial situation.

But we can probably all agree that a simple holiday is one with fewer obligations and headaches and more relaxation and joy. Here are nine ways to enjoy just that.

1. Don’t take the holidays so seriously.

Realistically, a lot can go wrong during the holidays. But instead of getting distressed and being disappointed, “keep a sense of perspective and humour about the madness of parking lot traffic jams, weird in-law vibes, crazed children jacked up on sugar and other stimulants, packed stores, long lines, credit card denials, you name it

2. Focus on what’s truly important.

Sometimes, we get wrapped up in the superficial parts of the holidays. Take gift shopping, which is a big stressor and another way we complicate life for ourselves. “Rather than feel guilty if you’re not buying your child a Nintendo 3DS or surprising your mate with a special extravagance, step back and look for the deeper meaning of your celebration,” That deeper meaning lies in our relationships. “That’s because science shows that relationships are the key to happiness, regardless of your income,”, “How can I use the holidays to strengthen my relationships with others?”

Also, you might focus on other holiday perks like the time off and profound principles like gratitude, generosity and the religious and spiritual aspects (if they’re significant to you).

3. Simplify gift-giving.

It’s the simple things—not extravagant gifts—that can help you deepen your connections with others. Giving loved ones framed photos (that include those family members or friends) or writing personal letters. “Tell them what they mean to you, or thank them for what they’ve given you,” she said. “It’s a keepsake they’ll treasure longer than a sweater.”

4. Have potluck dinners.

People have potlucks with their friends and family. Not only do these events provide the opportunity to connect and make memories, but because everyone is pitching in, you only need to make one or two dishes. (That makes it great for trimming your to-do list!)

5. Commit to less.

The fewer commitments you make, the simpler your holiday will be—especially when you consider that you’re piling on activities and tasks to what’s likely an already full plate. Don’t worry about disappointing others if you can’t make it to a certain event or prepare a special dish. Overextending yourself just leaves you more stressed. (And a lot less fun to be around!)

6. Volunteer.

“Giving to others and building a community strengthens your feelings of connection and your sense of happiness,” And it’s a simple way of making a big difference.

7. Ease your obligations.

Each year many of us feel obligated to take on tasks like mailing greeting cards and getting the perfect holiday photos. But if these activities stress you out, do what feels better.

“Could you skip it this year or send a Happy New Year card or postcard instead?” (This will buy you more time.) Or “How about a holiday letter posted online for your friends and family to view?” That’s much easier than writing and addressing countless cards.

In other words, “Give yourself permission to not do something if it feels like a major drain,” And if you want to do it, find solutions to make it less stressful.

8. Outsource.

Remember that you don’t have to do everything yourself. “Ask others to pick up their fair share of the additional tasks,” And consider if you can hire someone for the other stuff, such as cleaning, cooking, organizing or decorating.

For instance, a neighbour’s mother loves for her house to be decorated every year for Christmas. But she doesn’t love the decorating part… just the end result. So she hires her friend’s daughter to decorate. It doesn’t cost much for Mum, and her friend’s daughter gets extra cash around the holidays. She also suggested hiring a high school student to address your holiday cards, if you really want to send them.

9. Focus on the simple pleasures.

“Look for the simple pleasures of the season such as making a snowman or sitting around a fire,” The holidays are a great time to slow down and focus on the little joys in life. You also might enjoy reading with your family, listening to music together, looking at holiday decorations around town, baking cookies and playing outside.

Mental Health Memo: Patient:S. Claus.

2011-12-16T14:07:00.000+11:00

Mental Health Memo

Mental Health Care Ltd. To: All Home Managers From: Concerned Care Staff Date: 25th December Re: S. Claus

We are having problems with the above named. He presents as being happy and jolly and walks around saying "Ho ho ho." Additionally he has taken to referring to an imaginary animal called Rudolf and insists on wearing a red and white coat, even in the heat. He refuses to use the front door preferring to come down the chimney. This behaviour became problematic when he came down the dining room chimney because it has been bricked up for some time. When he is out in the community he approaches young children, of either sex, and asks them to sit on his knee. Without staff intervention he would then ask them if they want a present.
In short, his behaviour makes his return to the community unlikely. I would be grateful for your advice concerning his suitability for a placement with Mental Health Care Ltd.

10 Helpful Hints for Holiday Spending

2011-12-15T14:02:00.000+11:00

Money is a major stressor. In fact, finances top the list as the biggest source of holiday strain, according to a recent Mental Health America survey. And it makes sense.

Take gift-giving, for instance. “Holiday gift giving is often a very public event, fraught with comparisons, excitement, and disappointment,” Pricey presents tend to disappoint less, he said. “So we often go way over budget because it’s such a pleasure to give a thrilling gift and so distressing to give a gift that disappoints.”

Overspending for the holidays can leave you super stressed, in debt and pinching your pennies on the more important things. But you don’t have to feel like a slave to Santa’s wish list. Below are 10 ideas to help you reduce your spending, create a budget and fret less about your finances.

1. Set a budget.

Setting a budget for the holiday season is a good starting point for keeping expenses at bay. Remember that holiday spending is “just part of your larger financial plan,”. And “your holiday budget needs to be a portion of your discretionary income.”

Some debt may be inevitable, but keep it in perspective. “Don’t jeopardize [your children’s] college fund to get the latest and coolest expensive toys.”

2. Have an easy way to track expenses.

There are many methods for recording your expenses. The best systems are the ones that work well for you. “Some people use envelopes that they fill with cash for various discretionary expenses during the month,” ,“Others are more comfortable with software that tracks spending and expenses.”

3. Be realistic.

Many people try going cold turkey with their spending. But deprivation often backfires—and sometimes in a big way. Instead, readers allow for “occasional indulgences so that you don’t become frustrated or go on a spending binge.”

4. Create and regularly review financial goals.

Having short- and long-term goals is key to smart spending, Rich said. If your priorities are fuzzy, how do you know when to save, spend or splurge? Plus, a lack of financial priorities makes budgeting pointless. “Without concrete and desirable goals, a budget is just drudgery,”

He explained that your short-term goals might be anything from buying an “electronic gizmo you have always wanted” to “taking a vacation.” Long-term goals might be saving for retirement or a down payment.

5. Identify your values.

In order to budget effectively, it’s important to carefully and thoughtfully consider your personal values. What matters to you most? Do you have a hobby or two that you’d like to spend some money on? Do you want to donate to your church or a favourite cause? Is it important for your kids to attend private school, play the piano or take tennis lessons at a particular academy?

Without principles to give you perspective, you’re more susceptible to financial setbacks. As, “if all you are doing is budgeting, you are destined for a financial “’relapse.’”

“Overspending to impress your friends and neighbours is a short-lived pleasure. Under-spending so that you work less and have more time to be with family and doing other activities that you enjoy has more potential for generating long-term happiness,” .

6. Don’t forget the true meaning of the holidays.

While it’s obvious, it’s easy to get wrapped up in the holiday hoopla and forget that this season goes beyond gifts, fancy decorations and lavish parties. “The holidays are a time when families come together and celebrate their common cultural and religious traditions,” and these moments provide priceless opportunities to reconnect.

“It is a time to let go of resentments, appreciate the people in your life, and reach out to people that are less fortunate. It is a time to appreciate spirituality, eternity, and to regain a sense of perspective.”

He also gave several examples of meaningful experiences (which don’t cost a thing!): “reading or watching holiday stories or scripture, baking holiday treats, singing carols and hymns, putting on plays, making decorations, and giving time to a charity.”

7. Have a plan.

As you shop, it’s tempting to toss your budget rules and buy what you see. The best way to prevent a shopping mutiny is to have a plan. Master Certified life and career coach Kristin Taliaferro recommended readers make a list of everyone you’re purchasing presents for, along with how much you plan to spend. Then add up the total. “If you can live with that number, great; if not, make some cuts,” she said.

8. Only buy stuff on sale.

“Make it a rule to only purchase items on sale or with a coupon or don’t buy it,” Taliaferro said. While you might have to adjust your gift ideas, you’ll end up saving money, she said. Taliaferro also offered a great tip for finding coupons: “If there’s a retailer you like, Google their name and the word ‘coupon’ and the current month and year.”

9. Find what works for you.

When spending smart, the real secret is to find solutions that work successfully for you and your family. For instance, Taliaferro suggested carrying cash to shrink spending, which is an effective budgeting tool for many people. “The advantage is that it provides a convenient way to track what you have spent and how much you have left,” Shopping online? “Consider buying a VISA gift card now for yourself,” Taliaferro said. “If all else fails, hide your credit cards until January.”

By using cash (or gift cards), the theory is that when the money runs out, you’re done shopping—that’s if you don’t run to the ATM to restock “to buy ‘just one more thing,” So this may not work for everyone in curbing spending. “If I have a wad of cash, I find myself going through it quickly.”

10. Take it easy.

“Make financial decisions around the holidays that you can live with, but then do your best to put financial thoughts and worries aside.” These concerns only spike your stress level and make you lose sight of the holidays. Here are five ways to minimize worry and anxiety.

Baby and the Dangers of “Crying It Out”

2011-12-14T11:19:00.000+11:00

Damaging children and their relationships for the long-term.

Published on December 11, 2011 by Darcia Narvaez, Ph.D. in Moral Landscapes

Letting babies "cry it out" is an idea that has been around since at least the 1880s when the field of medicine was in a hullaballoo about germs and transmitting infection and so took to the notion that babies should rarely be touched (see Blum, 2002, for a great review of this time period and attitudes towards childrearing).

In the 20^th century, behaviourist John Watson, interested in making psychology a hard science, took up the crusade against affection as president of the American Psychological Association. He applied the mechanistic paradigm of behaviourism to child rearing, warning about the dangers of too much mother love. The 20^th century was the time when "men of science" were assumed to know better than mothers, grandmothers and families about how to raise a child. Too much kindness to a baby would result in a whiney, dependent, failed human being. Funny how "the experts" got away with this with no evidence to back it up! Instead there is evidence all around (then and now) showing the opposite to be true!

A government pamphlet from the time recommended that "mothering meant holding the baby quietly, in tranquillity-inducing positions" and that "the mother should stop immediately if her arms feel tired" because "the baby is never to inconvenience the adult." Babies older than six months "should be taught to sit silently in the crib; otherwise, he might need to be constantly watched and entertained by the mother, a serious waste of time." (See Blum, 2002.)

Don't these attitudes sound familiar? A parent reported to me recently that he was encouraged to let his baby cry herself to sleep so he "could get his life back."

With neuroscience, we can confirm what our ancestors took for granted---that letting babies get distressed is a practice that can damage children and their relational capacities in many ways for the long term. We know now that leaving babies to cry is a good way to make a less intelligent, less healthy but more anxious, uncooperative and alienated person who can pass the same or worse traits on to the next generation.

The discredited behaviourist view sees the baby as an interloper into the life of the parents, an intrusion who must be controlled by various means so the adults can live their lives without too much bother. Perhaps we can excuse this attitude and ignorance because at the time, extended families were being broken up and new parents had to figure out how to deal with babies on their own, an unnatural condition for humanity--we have heretofore raised children in extended families. The parents always shared care with multiple adult relatives.

According to a behaviourist view completely ignorant of human development, the child 'has to be taught to be independent.' We can confirm now that forcing "independence" on a baby leads to greater dependence. Instead, giving babies what they need leads to greater independence later. In anthropological reports of small-band hunter-gatherers, parents took care of every need of babies and young children. Toddlers felt confident enough (and so did their parents) to walk into the bush on their own (see Hunter-Gatherer Childhoods, edited by Hewlett & Lamb, 2005).

Ignorant behaviourists then and now encourage parents to condition the baby to expect needs NOT to be met on demand, whether feeding or comforting. It's assumed that the adults should 'be in charge' of the relationship. Certainly this might foster a child that doesn't ask for as much help and attention (withdrawing into depression and going into stasis or even wasting away) but it is more likely to foster a whiney, unhappy, aggressive and/or demanding child, one who has learned that one must scream to get needs met. A deep sense of insecurity is likely to stay with them the rest of life.

The fact is that caregivers who habitually respond to the needs of the baby before the baby gets distressed, preventing crying, are more likely to have children who are independent than the opposite (e.g., Stein & Newcomb, 1994). Soothing care is best from the outset. Once patterns get established, it's much harder to change them.

We should understand the mother and child as a mutually responsive dyad. They are a symbiotic unit that make each other healthier and happier in mutual responsiveness. This expands to other caregivers too.

One strangely popular notion still around today is to let babies 'cry it out' when they are left alone, isolated in cribs or other devices. This comes from a misunderstanding of child and brain development.

Babies grow from being held. Their bodies get dysregulated when they are physically separated from caregivers. (See here for more.)

Babies indicate a need through gesture and eventually, if necessary, through crying. Just as adults reach for liquid when thirsty, children search for what they need in the moment. Just as adults become calm once the need is met, so do babies.

There are many long-term effects of undercare or need-neglect in babies (e.g., Dawson et al., 2000).

What does 'crying it out' actually do to the baby and to the dyad?

Neurons die. When the baby is stressed, the toxic hormone cortisol is released. It's a neuron killer. A full-term baby (40-42 weeks), with only 25% of its brain developed, is undergoing rapid brain growth. The brain grows on average three times as large by the end of the first year (and head size growth in the first year is a sign of intelligence, Gale et al., 2006). Who knows what neurons are not being connected or being wiped out during times of extreme stress? What deficits might show up years later from such regular distressful experience?

Disordered stress reactivity can be established as a pattern for life not only in the brain with the stress response system, but also in the body through the vagus nerve, a nerve that affects functioning in multiple systems (e.g., digestion). For example, prolonged distress in early life, resulting in a poorly functioning vagus nerve, is related disorders as irritable bowel syndrome (Stam et al, 1997). See more about how early stress is toxic for lifelong health from the recent Harvard report, The Foundations of Lifelong Health are Built in Early Childhood).

Self-regulation is undermined. The baby is absolutely dependent on caregivers for learning how to self-regulate. Responsive care---meeting the baby's needs before he gets distressed---tunes the body and brain up for calmness. When a baby gets scared and a parent holds and comforts him, the baby builds expectations for soothing, which get integrated into the ability to self comfort. Babies don't self-comfort in isolation. If they are left to cry alone, they learn to shut down in face of extensive distress-stop growing, stop feeling, stop trusting (Henry & Wang, 1998).

Trust is undermined. As Erik Erikson pointed out, the first year of life is a sensitive period for establishing a sense of trust in the world, the world of caregiver and the world of self. When a baby's needs are met without distress, the child learns that the world is a trustworthy place, that relationships are supportive, and that the self is a positive entity that can get its needs met. When a baby's needs are dismissed or ignored, the child develops a sense of mistrust of relationships and the world. And self-confidence is undermined. The child may spend a lifetime trying to fill the inner emptiness.

Caregiver sensitivity may be harmed. A caregiver who learns to ignore baby crying, will likely learn to ignore the more subtle signalling of the child's needs. Second-guessing intuitions to stop child distress, the adult practices and increasingly learns to "harden the heart." The reciprocity between caregiver and baby is broken by the adult, but cannot be repaired by the young child. The baby is helpless.

Caregiver responsiveness to the needs of the child is related to most if not all positive child outcomes. In our work it is related to intelligence, empathy, lack of aggression or depression, self-regulation, social competence. Because responsiveness is so powerful, we have to control for it in our studies of other parenting practices and child outcomes. The importance of caregiver responsiveness is common knowledge in developmental psychology Lack of responsiveness, which "crying it out" represents. can result in the opposite of the aforementioned positive outcomes.

The 'cry it out' approach seems to have arisen as a solution to the dissolution of extended family life in the 20th century. The vast wisdom of grandmothers was lost in the distance between households with children and those with the experience and expertise about how to raise them well. The wisdom of keeping babies happy was lost between generations.

But isn't it normal for babies to cry?

No, babies are built to expect the equivalent of an "external womb" after birth (see Allan Schore, specific references below). What is the external womb? ---being held constantly, breastfed on demand, needs met quickly (I have numerous posts on these things). When babies display discomfort, it signals that a need is not getting met, a need of their rapidly growing systems.

What does extensive baby crying signal? It shows the lack of experience, knowledge and/or support of the baby's caregivers. To remedy a lack of information in us all, below is a good set of articles about all the things that a baby's cry can signal. We can all educate ourselves about what babies need and the practices that alleviate baby crying. We can help one another to keep it from happening as much as possible.

Check these out:

How to soothe babies: http://www.babycenter.com/0_12-reasons-babies-cry-and-how-to-soothe-them_9790.bc?page=2

Soothing babies crying "for no reason": http://www.babycenter.com/0_what-to-do-when-your-baby-cries-for-no-reason_10320516.bc

Soothing babies who have "colic": http://www.babycenter.com/0_colic-how-to-cope_1369745.bc

Science of Parenting, an inexpensive, photo-filled, easy-to-read book for parents by Margot Sunderland, has much more detail and references on these matters. I keep copies on hand to give to new parents.

Giving babies what they need is really a basic right of babies.

6 Tips for Dealing with Difficult Family During the Holidays

2011-12-13T07:26:00.000+11:00

George Burns once said: “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family… in another city.”

So that would explain why the holidays are so stressful. Those dear relatives who live in Cobar suddenly are lingering in front of your refrigerator in Killara, NSW and you have to figure out a socially acceptable way of setting the table together, resisting the urge to re-expose the childhood wounds that you’ve learned to protect.

Here are a few tips I use in interacting with those family members who tend to wake my grumpy inner child, triggering an ugly tantrum right about the time Santa shows up with his loot.

1. Repeat: It’s Not About Me

You think it’s about you when your brother calls you a “selfish, lazy, son of a something,” but actually it’s not. He may point his finger at you and say, “You. I’m talking about you.” But he’s really not. He is seeing something that has nothing to do with who you are.

Don Miguel Ruiz says this in his classic book, “The Four Agreements”: “What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds…. Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators, the black magicians…. But if you do not take it personally, you are immune in the middle of hell.”

That’s good news for all of us who make a habit of taking everything personally. It frees us to be ourselves, even when charged with a character flaw backed by supposed evidence.

2. Befriend Yourself

Much of the dysfunctional dynamics tolerated during the holidays are rooted in the painful memories of the past. So I go back to the place in history where I first acquired my scars. I return to the original story—for example, as a fourth grader depressed and anxious who has just learned her dad left home—and comfort that scared child as my adult self. I might say to her, “It’s not about you. His leaving has nothing to do with who you are. You are loved. You are enough.”

When I feel the similar pangs of abandonment or rejection coming on over the holidays, I address the kid as would a loving adult. Once you get good at this, you can be a friend to yourself, which comes in handy if you have no direct support in your immediate family. Talk to the pissed off third grader who was just picked last at gym, and tell him that the bullies making fun of him now will all grow up to be losers with disgusting beer guts.

3. Make a plan

You would be wise to start strategizing before the doorbell rings about where you are going to sit, what conversations you will have, how you will respond to sensitive issues, and boring questions you can ask to fill the uncomfortable voids. You might invent five or so canned retorts to be used when unjustly interrogated, or compile a list of necessary exit plans should you reach the about-to-lose-it-in-a-big-way point. Visualizations can also help. For example, picture yourself inside a bubble, with an invisible layer protecting you from the toxic stuff on the outside.

4. Carry a blankie

You don’t have to give up your blankie when you’re two. Just your pacifier. To give me an extra shot of strength to make it through certain family functions, I carry a token in my pocket: a necklace a friend made for me that says, “Seeking Wisdom,” a key chain with the Serenity prayer engraved on it, my St. Therese medal that I squeezed during the two years of my deep depression, my sobriety chip to remind myself of the years I’ve managed without booze, a favourite prayer, or a photo of my Aunt Raelene or another mental health heroes. I will use everything and anything that reminds me that I am okay the way I am, and to trust the process, even though it feels mighty uncomfortable at the present hour.

5. Wait before speaking

If everyone waited two seconds before emitting toxic emotions into the environment, we might have world peace. We’d definitely have fewer automobile accidents, and then maybe all of us could afford automobile insurance! In the pregnant pause between thinking and speaking, your neurons make the essential leap from the amygdala, or fear centre of the brain, which processes stimuli like a hormonal teenager, to the more evolved and sophisticated part of the brain.

Before the pause: “I’ve always guessed that you were an idiot, and you’ve just confirmed that.”

After the pause: “I’m sorry … I have to run to the restroom … but hold that thought … or, actually, don’t.”

6. Allow time to recover

Even if you’ve practiced your visualizations, arranged a safe seating chart, devised seven respectable responses to expected questions, and filled your pockets with blankies, you may come away from an evening with difficult family members feeling shattered, bruised, and deflated. That’s normal! As my therapist recently said to me, “Just because you anticipate and prepare for the blows doesn’t mean the blows won’t hurt.” Therefore, allow some needed recovery time after the dinner or weekend or, if you’re really unlucky, week of family feud.

Celebrating Safely with Alcohol

2011-12-12T10:27:00.000+11:00

For many families, drinking alcohol is a way to celebrate something. The good cheer of the holiday season is liberally laced with wine. We use champagne and liquor to show our happiness at weddings and births.

This association of alcohol with celebration leads many parents to wonder whether or when they should permit their children to drink socially, even though it is illegal. Will forbidding alcohol make it even more appealing? Will condoning drinking lead to alcoholism for the child? If you talk to your child about not drinking and driving, is that giving him tacit permission to drink as long as he doesn’t drive?

Alcoholism researchers and developmental psychologists say the answers are not that simple. They also agree that it’s a bad idea to allow your children to drink alcohol at home simply because you assume they will just do it elsewhere. In fact, that makes it harder for teenagers to decline a drink in other situations. Protecting children from alcohol abuse requires a grasp of how different their thinking is from adult thinking, and recognition that alcohol can be a serious problem for them and for their friends.

Research at the Harvard School of Public Health has found that about 40 per cent of boys in their senior year of high school are binge drinkers — that is, when they drink, they have five or more drinks at a time. It also found that among college freshmen, 80 per cent of the men and 70 per cent of the women admitted drinking alcohol within 30 days of being interviewed. Almost half the men and more than a third of the women said they’ve been drunk during that time.

The allure of alcohol is strongest during adolescence, when many children are looking for ways to mask their feelings of awkwardness, bolster self-confidence, increase social acceptance, and take new risks. They have spent years developing expectations for what drinking alcohol will do and what it means. These images, which are often unrealistic, have been shaped in part by advertising and by their parents’ patterns of drinking.

Studies by Dr. Alan Marlatt, the director of the Addictive Behaviours Research Centre at the University of Washington at Seattle, have found that those teenagers who are most likely to have trouble with alcohol have different expectations of its risks and benefits. The high-risk adolescents expect that alcohol will always make them feel better and that the more they drink, the better they’ll feel. They see it as a general tension reducer that will lower their social anxieties and concerns about self-esteem. Also, boys who are at high risk for alcohol abuse say that alcohol will make both them and their dates more attractive. (One teenager he interviewed told Dr. Marlatt that he drank heavily at parties because all of his dates “looked prettier through beer goggles.”)

Those adolescents at lower risk for abusing alcohol have a more balanced set of expectations, including concerns about getting sick and embarrassing themselves.

Avoiding Problems with Alcohol

Alcohol education should begin early for the simple reasons that children are exposed to alcohol advertising well before they are old enough to drink. In fact, it’s not unusual for pre-schoolers who see sports events and their accompanying commercials on television to be able to identify different brands of beer before they can read.

While you needn’t start that early, it’s a good idea to talk to your children about alcohol by early adolescence. Here are some approaches:

Let your children know what you expect of them, and why. Simply saying you don’t want him to drink won’t convince a teenager unless you can back it up with reasons. Giving your child clear expectations of family rules and an awareness of family values goes a long way. It means that when your child’s confronted with peer pressure, he will know what you expect.
Provide evidence for not wanting your child to drink alcohol. Ads show drinking as part of being a successful, competent, attractive adult — much as cigarette ads give the false impression that smokers are rugged athletes who have glistening white teeth and a broad range of physically attractive friends. Adolescents are especially susceptible to those messages. They provide what teenagers want most at a time when they feel invulnerable to the risks involved.
Point out stories in the newspaper where adolescents were involved in drunken-driving accidents or were arrested at public events or private parties for using alcohol. Don’t do this all at once, but do it regularly and subtly.
Pay close attention to your children’s friends. Teenagers tend to drink what their friends do. If you know some of your child’s friends are getting into trouble with alcohol, pay closer attention to your own child’s behaviour.

Also, pay attention to and support your children’s friendships with non-drinkers. An adolescent is more likely to refuse alcohol at a party if he is with a friend who also doesn’t want to drink. The friend provides social support.

Get to know the parents of your children’s friends. Let them know you will not allow your underage children to attend parties where alcohol is served. Ask the other parents to agree to the same criteria.
Talk to your child about not driving if he’s been drinking, and especially about not getting into a car with a driver who’s been drinking. Although some parents worry about this giving children a set of contradictory messages (i.e., you’re not allowed to drink alcohol, but I expect that you will), it really does not. Instead, it allows your child to see your priorities: You have rules that you believe in, but you value his life and health more than any rule. Let your children know that if they call home from a party and say that they need to be picked up, you will either get them yourself or pay for a taxi to do so. Also you will do this without questioning their motives or their integrity. (This approach may come in handy in other situations as well, such as if you have a daughter who’s worried about being sexually assaulted in her date’s car on the way home. She’ll feel much more comfortable calling you for help if she doesn’t have to explain her reasons.) Giving your teenagers this power tells them that you trust their judgment, even if they make a mistake or get into trouble.
Finally, recognize that two of the main reasons teenagers drink are to cope with stress and to experience an altered state of consciousness. Dr. Marlatt has found that college students who were heavy drinkers were able to reduce their alcohol consumption by 30 to 40 per cent when they either did aerobic exercise or practiced meditation. Those who regularly exercised and meditated reduced their alcohol consumption by 50 to 60 per cent. Developing such alternative coping strategies might also prevent light drinkers from getting into trouble.

2011-12-09T11:53:00.002+11:00

If you don’t find the humor in this, my sincere apologies. But we need as many laughs this holiday season as is possible.

CHRISTMAS DISORDERS and CAROLS

1. Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder — We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia — I Think I’ll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic — Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and…..

6. Paranoid — Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder — Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder — You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder — Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy – can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder — Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells….

11. Oppositional Defiant Disorder– You better not cry – Oh yes I will
You better not Shout – I can if i want to
You better not pout – Can if i want to
I’m telling you why – Not listening
Santa Claus is coming to town – No he’s not!!

8 Ways to Keep Your Sanity During the Holidays

2011-12-08T10:13:00.000+11:00

The holidays have the potential to be stressful, whether it’s extra activities and responsibilities, family feuds or squabbles, cash concerns or shakeups to your daily routine.

But you can absolutely enjoy yourself and have a great holiday season. Here are eight tips from experts on making the most of the holidays.

1. Set an intention for the season.

Set an intention for the holidays, which includes both what you want to do and how you want to be. For instance, you might want to host a party or take a vacation. And you might want to be calmer, a better listener or more present with your families.

When acting on your intention, try to find simple, less stressful solutions. If you really want to host a party, but feel drained just thinking about it, have a potluck instead. You get what you want, minus the stress.

2. Have realistic expectations.

Come holiday season we tend to assume that our bratty kids will transform into little angels and our always-fighting families will become the Brady Bunch. “But if [your relatives] haven’t gotten along for the other 11 months of the year, why should you think December will be any different?” .We also put a lot of pressure on ourselves to pull off the perfect holiday, with just the right gifts, food, decorations and so on. But setting sky-high and unrealistic expectations only leads to disappointment and distress and leaves you missing out.

“It’s the discrepancy between what you expect and what you get that creates disappointment and unhappiness during the holidays,” Readers should take a hard look at the reality of their expectations. If they’re idealistic, “…rethink how you’ll approach this season so you can close the gap between your fantasy and your reality.”

And look at it this way: “Relaxed and happy is so much more enjoyable than perfect and pressured,”

When things go wrong, that’s when funny memories are made, anyway. “Frankly, it’s a fabulous memory when the cat runs off with the turkey,” focuses on simplicity and love, not perfection.

3. Have a plan for potentially tense situations.

With some relatives we know exactly how a get-together will play out, because it’s happened year after year…after year. What can help in minimizing conflict is to create a plan about how you’ll react. “Anticipate stressful situations you might encounter and be prepared with a few words to help maintain a sense of calm,”

If your mother-in-law — you know, the one who tends to push your buttons — is staying with you for several days, figure out how you’ll approach her when she inevitably hits a nerve. Let’s say she criticizes your parenting. When she makes a comment, you might reply: “I love how much you care about the kids,” and “recognize her intention, which really is about caring for the kids.” Or you might say: “Thank you for respecting my parenting style. I know sometimes that’s hard to do.”

If she continues criticizing and your intention for the season is to be calm and non-reactive, consider what would be the best action to take in this situation. “If calm inhabited your body, how would calm respond to her? Calm may leave the room and go for a walk alone to cool off,”

4. Maintain some of your routines.

Many people tend to get stressed when their routines are broken, which happens often during the holidays. “Keep some of your grounding rituals in the mix, such as daily fitness [and] getting enough sleep,” These activities give you more energy and are key stress relievers.

5. Take care of your mind, body and behaviour.

I suggest readers pay attention to their body, emotions, thoughts and actions.

Body: We experience the physical sensations of stress and anxiety thanks to the sympathetic nervous system, our ancient fight-or-flight system. The antidote, Hanson said, is to activate the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). “Easy ways to light up the PNS include l-o-n-g exhalations, relaxing the tongue, warming the hands (or imagining that they are warm, like holding a cup of cocoa), and relaxing the body as a whole.”
Emotions: Encourage positive emotions by focusing on and savouring all the positive experiences associated with the holidays. Spending a minute or so relishing these experiences helps them enter our long-term emotional memory and sink in, Hanson said.
Thoughts: This time of year our heads are swirling with shoulds and musts. We know how detrimental these thoughts can be. Hanson encourages readers to return to “the simple truth that in this moment, each moment, you are actually basically alright; the simple fullness of being in the present, not regretting the past or worrying about or planning the future.”
Actions: “Slow down and do less,” Hanson said. “Keep coming back to your breathing as you look for gifts, do dishes, wrap presents, or visit friends.” Remember that others may be struggling during the holidays, too, so be kind and compassionate. Also, consider “giving the gift of your full attention to others, rather than being distracted by your to do list; or the gifts of forgiveness, gratitude, and wholeheartedness.”

6. Create reminders of your intention.

It’s easy to get carried away, let stress consume you and forget the purpose and meaning of the holidays. A visual reminder helps bring you back and put things in perspective, suggest taping quotes to your fridge or putting them in frames in other areas of the house. Some of her favourite quotes:

“The more tranquil a man becomes, the greater is his success, his influence, his power for good.” – James Allen.
“In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you” – Deepak Chopra.
“Peace doesn’t require two people; it requires only one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there.” - Byron Katie.
“Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.” - Author unknown.

7. Create an environment of calm.

Creating a sense of calm in your different environments. For instance, “play calm music at home, in your car or at work.” Have objects that relax you, too, such as scented candles.

8. Have fun activities planned for get-togethers.

“Since holiday guests can be a source of stress for people, plan very simple and pleasurable activities with your more ‘challenging’ relatives and you may find the relationship flows much easier in that moment since you’re both having fun,”.

“Rather than just fume, waiting for Uncle Jeff to act out, have some DVDs of old comedies. Abbott and Costello doing ‘Who’s on First?’ works for any generation,” Medea added. She also suggested taking out your oldest photo albums and sharing the stories behind them.

And in general, don’t forget that all families are complicated. “A simple family is like asking for a simple universe,” Medea said. “Families are wonderfully complex, layered, with generations of baggage.” And don’t forget, too, that the holiday season “also brings the possibility of building bridges back to people we love, even if they drive us crazy.”

8 Ways to Keep Your Sanity During the Holidays

2011-12-07T09:25:00.000+11:00

8 Ways to Keep Your Sanity During the Holidays

The weather outside might be frightful but inside it’s definitely worse. According to New York psychologist Jay Seitz, 25 percent of people experience some kind of holiday anxiety or depression. That is, one in four people sipping eggnog feel like that stale, bland, unpopular fruitcake that was re-gifted five times before it was fed to the neighbour’s cat on Christmas Eve. Yes, the holidays do bring a magic and excitement to the month of December, but the stress, loneliness, and blues pre-packaged with the festivities can be enough to drag a quarter of us across the tenuous line from sanity to insanity.

Here are eight tips intended to keep you from hurling the mistletoe at Uncle Fred because he asked for the butter in the wrong tone of voice.

1. Find your kind of people

The good/bad news of holiday depression is that so many people suffer from it that it’s easy to find a person with whom to relate. It’s unfortunate that one-fourth of the population would prefer to skip the month on December. However, this means that people who hide from carollers are certainly not alone—and, if they join up with the folks chucking holiday letters in the trash unopened, they will feel a companionship that can definitely lift their moods. The trick is identifying this 25 percent.

Here’s a hint. They are typically the ones who don’t say much after the question, “How are you?” Or, if they do, their response is something like, “Okay… How are you?,” which is code for “How the hell do you think I am?” Stick with them.

2. Embrace your inner slacker

Stress is usually the biggest culprit behind the holiday blues. Stress does bad, bad, bad things to your body, places toxins into your bloodstream, whacks out your heart and other organs. It produces hormones that can change your personality from that of June Cleaver to Sybil.

So your biggest chance at combating holiday anxiety and depression is to eliminate as much stress as you can. And at that statement you just rolled your eyes, like I do every time my mom or my husband says that to me. I look at my to-do list and each item whispers, “You can’t cut me. You need me, remember?”

That’s when I take the red pen and start marking up the page. Christmas cards. Do I REALLY need to send 250 of them? No. Do I even need to send 50? Not really. Let’s put that on the “Would be nice if I have time” list. In other words, you need to embrace your inner slacker, and tell her that you need her help this holiday season.

3. Slow your breath

Slowing down your breath is one of those easy, simple strategies to boost your mood that seems too easy and simple to work. But it does. Because the first thing we do, as a sort of knee-jerk reaction, when we are stressed is speed up our breathing, and start breathing from the chest instead of the diaphragm, which supplies more oxygen to our brain cells. I use the most basic of breathing exercises called the “Four Step” method. You don’t have to do anything but count to four as you breathe in, count to four holding your breath, count to four breathing out, and count to four while resting. Then do it again. If you were unable to follow that, you might want to make an appointment with a professional. If that doesn’t, you know, stress you out.

4. Watch the Inner Critic

You know the little Elf on the Shelf that comes out every holiday season and moves about the house before breakfast each morning? He is supposed to overhear conversations of holiday gift lists, etc. so that he can report back to Santa. Yeah, well, during the holidays, another little guy comes out, too, and he is called the Inner Critic. However, unlike the Little Elf, this twerp is invisible and resides somewhere in the grey matter of your brain. He likes to convince you that you are lazy, weak, stupid, unlovable, ugly, unsuccessful, and basically every other insult you have called yourself over the years. There is no rationale behind his statements. He just likes to make you feel insecure. And he does a great job of it during the holidays. This is his season! But if you watch out for him, and identify his voice before you go one believing his lies, you will save a bit of the self-esteem and confidence you will need to get through your holiday get-togethers.

5. Prepare for idiots

Just as there exists an Inner Critic inside all of us, there also exists idiots outside of us. I’m poking fun a little, but this is a universal truth, and the truth shall ultimately set you free, or at least help you defend yourself this holiday season. If you can identify the idiots, you can brace yourself for their unintentional (or intentional) attacks and interactions with folks lacking the open-mindedness, intelligence, or empathy needed for a healthy conversation. I like to envision myself in a bubble, protected from any toxin trying to penetrate my being. I also allow time for recovery after seeing an idiot, because chances are good that I will need to do something that reminds me that her assessment of me isn’t accurate.

6. Be sure to laugh

Laughing is as important as eating lots of salmon and spinach (rich in Omega-3 fatty acids that my brain needs) and regular exercise. Humour is a powerful healing element for me (and I surmise for everyone) because it allows me to see a situation from the right perspective. Let’s face it: If you are not laughing at a holiday letter that discusses at length the successful potty training of triplets or a best-selling memoir composed at the top of Mount Everest, then you are losing out on some great holiday fun.

7. Spot holiday thinking

So we have now identified the Inner Critic and the idiot, losers that can make you grit your teeth every time you hear a Christmas carol. There is a third enemy that is part of the Holiday Axis of Evil: stinking holiday thinking. Related to the other two bad boys, this kind of thinking surfaces during the month of December to sabotage your holiday spirit. However, knowing how to untwist the distorted thinking will release you from its negative energy.

My favourites are black and white thinking, jumping to conclusions, mindreading, overgeneralization, and saying “should” WAY too much. (“I SHOULD bake Christmas cookies for the whole neighbourhood like Mrs. Johnson does every year.”)

15 techniques to untwist the distortions. The most helpful for me is to “record the evidence,” an exercise in documenting how things really are, not how they seem to be in one of your insecure moments.

8. Acknowledge the loneliness

For some reason, it seems like most deaths or break-ups happen around the holidays. So the memories of losing a loved one also fall around December. The sense of loss and loneliness can be overwhelming at this time because every few feet you run into a holiday advertisement gracing a couple wrapped in each other’s arms — wide, Colgate smiles — with an angelic baby, adorable puppy, or exquisite diamond necklace in the picture. For anyone estranged in anyway from a significant other or loved ones, this can pour salt in very fresh wounds.

I don’t have any quick tips for this one. But I do take some solace in knowing that everyone — well, except for the idiots — suffer, in some way, from loneliness or loss around the holidays. Just as it is a season of celebrating the many gifts in our lives, it also can be a time that calls to mind what pains us. And just knowing that I’m not alone in that cycle… well, it gives me peace.

The End of The Happy Meal or Government Intervention in Kid's Eating

2011-09-06T09:30:00.000+10:00

The End of The Happy Meal?

San Francisco bans toys in Happy Meals

Published on December 27, 2010 by Edward Abramson, Ph.D. in It's Not Just Baby Fat!

Should the Happy Meal be illegal? The San Francisco Board of Supervisors passed an ordinance that prevents fast-food restaurants from giving away toys with meals designed for kids. The typical Happy Meal consisting of a cheeseburger, fries, and a soda packs 640 calories which is more than half the recommended daily allowance for 4- to 8-year-olds. The new law, passed following an override of Mayor Gavin Newsom's veto, goes into effect in December 2011. It would allow toys if the meals have reduced calories, salt, fat, and sugar and also include vegetables (French fries and ketchup don't count).

The Happy Meal is also being attacked in the courts. A Sacramento mother, supported by the Centre for Science in the Public Interest, filed a class action lawsuit to prevent McDonald's from using "...the bait of toys to exploit children's developmental immaturity and subvert parental authority..."

McDonald's argues that it offers Apple Dippers (apples with low-fat caramel) as a healthy alternative to the fries, although they're rarely chosen. The company decries the "food police" and is strongly supported by the California Restaurant Association. They will oppose any attempts to restrict their offerings to kids. Mayor Newsom suggests that the ordinance, although well intentioned, goes too far since parents, not the government, should be responsible for their kids' diets. So who's right? How far should government go in intervening in children's food choices?

On one hand we accept governments' interference in personal decisions affecting health. Most of us agree with policies intended to make smoking more expensive and difficult. We're willing to accept this intrusion so that fewer kids will start to smoke, suffer the health consequences, and possibly die of lung cancer. Likewise, I haven't heard of any organized protests or legal challenges to state laws that require us to buckle our seat belts or put toddlers in special protective seats. Using a seat belt could be viewed as a personal choice. You could argue, "If I'm in an accident I can be injured if I want to; it doesn't affect anyone else so the government should butt out!" If we accept governmental intrusion in other personal health-related decisions, why is taking the toys out of Happy Meals so controversial?

Perhaps we are especially sensitive to any implication that we are less than adequate parents. Feeding our child is an essential part of our responsibility as a loving parent. The idea that a government needs to intervene may imply that we are not good parents. Even if you hate seat belts or love cigarettes, the laws limiting these behaviours may be frustrating or annoying but they don't threaten our view of ourselves.

It might help parents to recognize that the proposed ordinance is not interfering with their right to buy their child a Happy Meal. When the law takes effect the only change is that there won't be a toy in the box. In some ways this could actually increase a parent's ability to choose food for their child. Without the toy there's less likelihood that the child will ask, whine, or demand the Happy Meal so Mom or Dad can decide without the emotional complication of an upset child.

The frequency of childhood obesity has tripled since the 1970's. Currently one out of three kids is overweight or obese yet research shows that many parents do not recognize that their children are too heavy. Currently it costs about $150 billion per year to treat obesity-related medical conditions and it will only get worse unless the juvenile obesity epidemic can be reversed. Taking the toys out of Happy Meal boxes should make it a little easier for parents to encourage healthy eating habits for their children.

Playing Hard to Get? It's For Losers

2011-07-20T14:28:00.000+10:00

Playing Hard to Get? It's For Losers

It's tough for nice girls to show real emotions.

In "The Telephone Call" Dorothy Parker transcribed the lament passionate women still make when they feel rejected by men: "They don't like you to tell them they've made you cry. They don't like you to tell them you're unhappy because of them. If you do, they think you're possessive and exacting. And then they hate you. They hate you whenever you say anything you really think. You always have to keep playing little games. Oh, I thought we didn't have to; I thought this was so big I could say whatever I meant. I guess you can't, ever. I guess there isn't ever anything big enough for that."

My girlfriends and I would read that story to each other out loud--in high school, in college, in grad school, until we found our life-partners (and--occasionally--even after) because Parker put it all in perspective. The narrator WANTS to play hard to get, but she can't.

She wants to be an ice-queen. She wants to be aloof and cool and distant and casual, but she can't pull it off because....

because....

BECAUSE SHE IS AN ACTUAL HUMAN BEING AND NOT A FACSIMILE.

Real human beings have real emotions. Emotions--deep, authentic, unedited, and awesome-- aren't very pretty. They aren't cute.

They aren't tame; they are wild; they are feral; they are untamed; they are trouble to themselves and others.

Nice girls aren't supposed to be any of those things, remember. So it's tough for nice girls to show real emotions.

And when emotions turn painful, they aren't the stuff of greeting cards (unless your greeting cards are designed by Lady Macbeth and Lucretia Borgia, with Lizzie Borden doing the graphics).

When emotions are strong--as they should be during courtship--even when they're GOOD, they aren't easy to contain.

And yet--hard as it is to believe--you shouldn't waste your time trying to pretend not to care when you do.

Listen to me: I'm serious here. Stop pretending not to care. If you're fairly stable, then work hard on learning to overcome the culture's training and do the hardest thing in the world: trust yourself.

As good girls, we're taught never to trust our own reactions. We can't tell if we're hungry; we only know what we shouldn't eat. We don't know if we're tired; we only know we're not getting enough sleep. We aren't sure that we're fit, we only know we're not sleek. We don't know what our hair color is because we've been dying it since we were fourteen. Half of us don't know what our weight is because we don't get on a scale. The other half know what our weight is every half-hour because we can't get off one.

Life is too short to put up with this rigmarole. If you can't tell somebody you love him or her without inciting fear and loathing, get out of that relationship-and fast. If you spend all your time crying, get into therapy-and fast. If you fear you're "too much" because you're passionate, energetic, generous, and gregarious, then start figuring out why you're in a place where the world has "too little" for you.

For me, playing "hard to get" has always been hard to comprehend and impossible to justify.

Adult Children of Narcissists, Socio/Psychopaths & Borderline Parents

2011-05-15T15:53:00.000+10:00

Take it from me, I've had close quarters personal experience..Nothing is sadder or more destructive than not getting your needs met as a child because your parents were pathologically disordered. Narcissism, socio/psychopathic, antisocial or borderline are just four ways that your parents could have been pathologically disordered. There are a number of other ways and diagnosis as well.
But the fact remains that so many children raised by pathological parents (whom are often also addicts) grow up seeing the world through the eyes of the pathological. We call that 'the pathological world view.' No matter how you cut it, children are influenced, for the good or the bad, by the parents who raise them. That's because we largely come to see the world, ourselves and others through their eyes. If they are healthy and normal people--that view of others and ourselves is a good thing. If they are dangerous and pathological, the view of others and ourselves could be a bad thing.
There are a number of aftermath effects of pathological parenting that you may have recognized in your own life--choices, patterns, feelings, behaviors that have negatively influenced your life.

You may be plagued with self-doubt
Low self-esteem
Chronic caregiving of others
A total disregard for your own needs or self care
You could battle depression or chronic anxiety
Or fight nagging pessimism about your future or the world around you
You might be dangerously naive never trusting your own instincts and being constantly taken advantage of
You could have eating disorders, sexual addictions/other sexual disorders
Or obsessive compulsive behaviors
You could medicate your feelings with drugs or alcohol
Or find abusive religious affiliations to take up where your pathological parents fell away
You may have emotional intimacy problems or jump from relationship to relationship fearing abandonment or being alone
Or you may engage in what they now call 'sexual anorexia' -- the forbidding of yourself to ever be intimate or loving with someone else

While you may 'understand why' your parents behaved like they did or you are engulfed in compassion and pity for their illness, the rubber meets the road at the point where your needs went so chronically unmet that you now have your own emotional problems because of what you didn't get at those crucial developmental points of your life. Compassion, pity, forgiveness and understanding about their disorder only goes so far as it doesn't help you get what you never got from the most important people in your life.
Today, your choices in relationships can be largely influenced from pathological parenting. Picking dangerous and/or pathological men for relationships is often a devastating side effect of pathological parenting. Growing up learning how to normalize abnormal behavior is a set up for accepting pathology into all areas of your life---your boss, your friends, your partners. Becoming aware of your relationship choices is a good first start but may NOT be the only intervention you need in order to grieve your childhood losses and stop trying to fix pathologicals by having intimate or parenting-type relationships with them. You can't fix your own pathological parenting deficits through a relationship with someone else. That can only be done one-on-one with yourself.
If you are sick of self sabotaging your own life, relationships, career, success and future because of what you might not have gotten in your childhood, there is help and hope. You don't have to be a slave forever to your past...there is freedom and after many years and many bad relationships that I thought were good, I know what 'good for me' now is.

Are you a Narcissist?

2011-03-31T13:00:00.002+11:00

Does Religion Makes Us Happier?

2011-02-24T13:32:00.000+11:00

Does religion make people happier?

Some researchers are so confident that religion makes people happier, and healthier, that they want it to be prescribed by doctors. In an earlier post, I debunked the health claim: the seeming benefits of religion can be attributed to social support, health behaviour, and other secular factors. Now I want to question the claim that religion makes people happier.

One of the best-known findings is that religion protects people against depression. According to a 2003 meta-analysis that combined the results of 147 different studies, religiosity explains less than 1% of the differences in vulnerability to depression. If religion has such small correlations with depression, it may not be a huge factor in happiness either.

Comparing countries

Such doubt emerges most strongly from comparisons between countries. Much of the research linking religiosity and happiness was conducted in the U.S. where more religious people are slightly happier. Researchers saw this as evidence for the universal benefits of religion (a perspective that interests evolutionary psychologists because it helps explain why religion is so common around the globe). Yet, there is no association between religiousness and happiness in either Denmark or the Netherlands.Why the difference? Religious people are in the majority in the U.S., but in a minority in Denmark and the Netherlands. Feeling part of the mainstream may be comforting whereas being in the minority is potentially stressful. Ethnic minorities around the world tend to have higher blood pressure, for example - this being a reliable index of stress.If religion contributes to happiness, then the most religious countries should be happiest. Yet, the opposite is true.According to Gallup data for 2010, the happiest nations were Denmark, Norway, Sweden, and the Netherlands. These are among the least religious countries in the world. Also according to Gallup data, Sweden, Denmark and Norway were the second, third, and fourth least religious states, being exceeded only by Estonia in their atheism.Why are these European countries so happy? Their happiness is explainable in terms of a combination of national wealth and redistribution of resources via high taxation and a well-developed welfare state. So paying taxes makes people happy after all! It is not the actual payment of taxes that cheers citizens of course but the end result of good government which is to say a secure standard of living for everyone.In the jargon of religious studies, the European social democracies provide existential security. No one has to worry about being arbitrarily dismissed from their job and running out of money for basic necessities.The principle source of European happiness is also the main reason for their unprecedented level of atheism. As detailed in an earlier post, when countries become more affluent, and their people acquire greater material security, their religious temperature nose dives

The Psychology of Social Media that Fuels Social Change

2011-02-14T12:12:00.000+11:00

The Psychology of Social Media that Fuels Social Change

The Egyptian crisis illustrates the psychological shift from social media

Whether or not Egyptian President Mubarak steps down as protestors demand, it's clear that Egyptian society has undergone a cataclysmic shift. Much of this shift is due to the connectivity from new media technologies, such as Twitter and Facebook. Malcolm Gladwell has gotten a lot of flak for writing that social media isn't really powerful enough to create real social change. As I (and many others) argued, that is patently wrong. Egypt and Tunisia are excellent examples of why.

Social change isn't about the tools and it isn't about how the relative "strength" of weak ties compared to other social movements. (Note: It's important to point out here that, contrary to popular interpretation, "strength" related to weak ties is not a descriptor of emotional engagement or attachment between ties like it sounds. In the context of weak ties, strength means the powerful impact on the distribution of information of having connections across different networks.) But social change IS about weak ties, because social change comes from the psychological impact of having those ties at all. It's about the psychological shift that comes from 1) the awareness of other individual's actions, 2) the ability to have a public voice, and 3) the belief that your actions can make a difference, in large part because you are aware that others are speaking up, taking action and that their actions have impact. Twitter and Facebook are not the power, they are two of the current tools that facilitate that power.

The story began with Mohamed Bouazizi, a Tunisian fruit vendor who committed suicide by lighting himself on fire in a tragic public statement of desperation. But Bouazizi had a Facebook friend that was a journalist for Al Jazeera. The journalist was a weak tie, connecting Bouazizi to a much larger network. The reaction is beyond the single plight of a fruit vendor. It is the inspiration others derive from seeing examples of his action in the face of oppression. Call it social modeling of empowerment or collective agency. The reaction that spread was beyond the immediate empathy for Bouazizi, his family and community; it was the widespread resonance with the core frustration, injustice, and sense of helplessness that drove the fruit vendor's action. Social media allowed those core emotions to reach others and achieve critical mass so that others felt empowered to take other actions.

In a recent article, put the power of social media rather succinctly:

"To just to address this ridiculous non-argument, Gladwell said sending out a tweet is not the same as the entire civil rights movement of the 1960s," Stone said. "Yea, right, no shit. ... No one ever said that. ... What we're saying is no matter what the situation, you need to communicate with others to do activism and have your voice be heard, whether it's telephones during the fall of the Berlin Wall or social media in the Middle East."

Social media makes a communication system that connects us with more and more redundancy. That means it's hard to shut down for long, no matter who tries. It is the connection that supports communication--not the specific tools--that fuel the psychological shift toward collective agency that inspired so many to take action.

Neanderthink:The Appeal of the Bad Boy

2011-02-05T12:32:00.000+11:00

Neanderthink: The Appeal of the Bad Boy

Bad boys will always be with us because they have good genes to spare.

Attraction can make enemies of the brain and the heart. Take Karen, a successful, good-looking 32-year-old woman who wondered why it always took her several months to find out that a guy she liked was a player (or worse). She would become powerfully attracted to certain men, and know instantly upon meeting them that there were sparks.

What she didn't realize, in spite of her friends' chorus of warnings, was that she was attracted to "bad boys." All she knew was that she was drawn to men with a certain swagger and stride. For all their boldness and bravado, she invariably later felt mistreated. "Am I doomed to just love bastards?" she asked me after one too many took command and then took his leave.

Conversely, nice-guy Adam, 40, a businessman, took classes on "picking up chicks," most of which emphasized acting strong and dominant. He tried hard to find the right degree of badness—usually to frustrating effect, because he came across as rude. "I was giving women the neg, which I guess backfired. Maybe women are crazy," he complained after trying out his techniques at several bars.

What's the appeal of the bad boy who gets the girl? Like the peacock's tail, excitement and cockiness can be costly for men, inviting opposition from other men. But such traits are also likely to win him social cachet by advertising that he has fitness to burn. So the answer may be that the scoundrel gets the girl—but not for long. His roguish behavior wins out: Either he moves on, hawking his testosterone-rich genetic wares on the romantic market, or she gets exasperated with his impulsiveness and pulls away.

James Dean, Elvis, 50 Cent—every decade offers an iconic bad boy who gets the girl. The rock stars, the dudes with the smoldering eyes at the bar, the strong, silent types. The template can morph, but the assessment is the same—the guy's got genes that make women weak in the knees, and the power and confidence that signal them.

In its pernicious version, bad becomes really bad, as in psychopathy. The psychopath takes advantage of people's implicit trust, and has evolved a strategy that opportunistically seeks out victims. Even when he's not physically dangerous, a compulsively fun-loving rogue, in love with his own social power, can waste a lot of time, notably a woman's reproductive time, with his unwillingness to commit to one damsel or settle down to raise a family. So, what's so good about being bad?

From a Darwinian point of view, females are the choosier sex, and males compete for their attention. The result of this competition is that men have evolved strategies such as seeking alpha status.

The more likely a relationship is to be fleeting, the more likely a woman is to seek a man with high quality genes. Evolutionary psychologists define "good genes" for men as high-testosterone-fueled masculinity, symmetry, height, and, believe it or not, parasite resistance. Men who are blessed with these qualities tend to be confident and dominant. And able to get away with roguish behavior.

It's not all a positive for them, since they are also more prone to taking risks and getting into fights and accidents. Still, they offer a primal appeal that would have been advantageous in the ancestral setting—fighting skills, passion, lust for the damsel.

"Women intuitively get attracted to brave acts of altruism more than to altruism per se," says Daniel Kruger of the University of Michigan, principal author of a study on "dads and cads." "A distinction between long-term and short-term relationships is important for understanding women's partner choices." A love of boldness helps women find strong males as mates. Secretly they harbor the fantasy of turning their genetically gifted cads into loving dads who stick around long-term, long enough to help raise the kids. Think Warren Beatty and Keith Richards; fairy tales sometimes come true.

But wait; don't all women want a kind, understanding guy? Of course; it's just that nice isn't a high-caliber turn-on in the short term, unlike bravado. Says Kruger, "Women want their emotions activated." And audacity grabs attention, even if only in the service of marshaling good genes.

A clue to female psychology emerges in a study examining the cheesy best sellers that set millions of women on a Harlequin high. The male protagonists are invariably studs on steeds that morph into devoted dads by novel's end. That is, the women get the best of both worlds.
When women want it all—great genes, and a reliable breadwinner—the odds of finding satisfaction grow slim. It's human nature to want it all; what man doesn't want a gorgeous young woman who is equally devoted to having sex and washing his car? But it's a slightly elusive proposition, because in reality we have forced choices.

Trade-offs are the stuff of economics, evolution, and, of course, sex. We rarely get it all, or if we do, it won't be for long. That's not so bad, since romantic goals and appreciation evolve as we age. Women, for example, can cavort with cads at little cost when they're young, but may later need to tighten up their standards for what constitutes a good relationship when they feel the urge to raise a family.

Some men grow up and want a family, too. But some stay boys forever. And there are those women who, in their infatuation with cads, endlessly pursue a challenge, telling themselves, "I have to get that guy, he's the only one I want."

Such a scenario sets bad boys up with an open opportunity to take advantage of the best years of a woman's life. But, on some level, she's getting what she wants as well. Her behavior is likely to get her "sexy sons." That is, she may not get the guy for long. But she will pass the good genes into eternity.

The Good, the Bad, and the Rest

Good guys are bewildered by the propensity of women to fall for the bad boys. And good women are indeed drawn to bad boys despite their emotional and sometimes physical unavailability. How, then, to make the mating game work with minimal pain?

For Good Guys: Take heart; most women will want a good guy with good prospects (a stable job and lifestyle) eventually. Don't try to "act bad," since you'll come across as rude, a rube, or worse. Instead, work on being independent and assertive, and allowing spontaneity into your repartee. Discover your connection with someone in visceral, not just cerebral, ways.
For Bad Boys: You don't need my advice—unless you want to have a great long-term relationship. Then you must learn to open up to the joys of committing—and they do exist.
For Women: Know what you really want, and accept the trade-off between your hot date and your simmering mate. Neither is right or wrong for you as long as you know what you're getting into. If you feel endangered or irritated by a man's compulsive and impulsive behaviors, get out immediately.

Don't Fall for Infidelity

2011-01-31T10:36:00.002+11:00

Don’t Fall for Infidelity

I’m annoyed by infidelity.

What’s gotten me so annoyed to write about it are radio advertisements I hear for a website that encourages people to cheat on their spouse or significant other, acting as though it were a common or even normal experience.

Infidelity — or cheating, as people often refer to it — is neither common nor normal. If you’ve come to the fork in the road where you’ve cheated or are considering cheating on your partner, it’s time to acknowledge another reality — your primary romantic relationship is in trouble. Serious trouble.

You can go down the easy road and cheat — because, after all, somewhere between 10 and 20 percent of people in relationships do. Or you can acknowledge something is going on with your relationship and work to fix it. Cheating is never a sign of a healthy relationship after all.

And if you can’t fix it, you’ll do the honorable thing — leave the relationship first. Before cheating.

Why People Cheat

Significant, ongoing, unresolved problems in the primary, long-term relationship or marriage
A significant difference in sex drive between the two partners
The older the primary relationship
A greater difference in personality than perhaps the partners realize
And to a far lesser extent, perhaps some theoretical, evolutionary remnants that may have reinforced multiple partners over monogamy (although this is just a hypothetical argument that would be difficult to disprove)

Regardless of the reason why a person may turn to infidelity, the reality is that it’s the expression of an underlying issue in that person’s life and/or relationship. And while cheating fixes that problem short-term, it’s just that — a shallow, short-term fix.

Cheating, as people soon discover, is complicated. Even if no emotions are involved in the illicit affair, keeping the stories and lies straight, and ensuring uncomfortable questions don’t arise becomes a quickly complex dance. That’s why most affairs don’t remain a secret — it’s just too hard.

Remember, if cheating was normal or okay, there’d be no need for the secrecy. In fact, the secrecy is a part of what makes an affair so sexually attractive in the first place. But secrecy has no place in a long-term, committed relationship.

What Cheating Means About Your Relationship

Contrary to what these cheating websites would have you believe, cheating is not a sign of a normal, healthy long-term relationship. It is a sign that something is seriously wrong. People who cheat have basically lost all hope for their relationship, and all respect for their partner.

Infidelity — whether real or contemplated (outside of the random fantasy you’d never act upon) — suggests your relationship is in trouble. You can, of course, deny that and say you just need some variety in your sexual life. But if that’s the kind of person you are, you simply shouldn’t be in any long-term, monogamous relationship. Folks like George Clooney have seemingly figured this out for themselves; you should too.

Because it’s only fair. An affair means you have little respect for your partner — so little, in fact, that you’re happy to be indiscreet with someone else without your partner’s knowledge. If you have so little respect for another human being, why are you in a long-term relationship with them?

Oh, “the children.” Well, sorry to break it to you, but the children would be better off without two parents who are living a lie. All that teaches children is that you have to remain in an unhappy relationship even when you don’t want to.

If it’s for another reason, it must be a doozie. The rationalizations and justifications you must use to justify an affair must be very special indeed.

We’re on this Earth for a very short time. How we treat others is a reflection on ourselves. If we treat others — others that we proclaim that we love in one breath — in a way that is disrespectful and disregards their own feelings, well, that says a lot about a person’s character.

Cheating Should be Avoided

I’m not the morality police, so ultimately, it’s your choice. All I’m suggesting is that if you’re considering cheating, or if you’ve already cheated, it’s time to come clean. To yourself… To your partner. Are you in this relationship for the right reasons? Is this how you want to live the rest of your life (with lies and secrecy)? Yes, I understand cheating can be “hot.” But is that temporary sexual release worth your integrity, your honor, and your word?

If your relationship needs some attention or help — get help! Go to a couple’s counselor or a marriage therapist (it’s really inexpensive compared to the costs of infidelity and a divorce) and work — openly and honestly — toward a positive resolution.

I find long-term relationships most often lose that “spark” that marked the beginning of their relationship because the couple has grown apart emotionally. The good news is that you can learn to grow together again. All it takes is a commitment and willingness on both people’s parts.

If you’re not willing to do that, do the right thing — break up with your partner. Don’t disrespect them by cheating on them.

9 Ways to Ward Off Your Worries

2011-01-26T11:26:00.000+11:00

9 Ways to Ward Off Your Worries

Worrying is like a magnifying glass: It enlarges everything.

It empowers anxiety. It gives anxiety legs, fuel and a superhero costume.

You get the picture: Worrying gives us a false sense of control.

I’m a worrywart, who feels like she has to worry. (Don’t all worrywarts?) Because if I’m not concerned about one thing or another, that means I have no choice but to relax.

And relaxing feels strange — not always, but most of the time.

Relaxing means that the grip on control is loosened.

For many people, worrying is living. You can’t help but worry. You have an endless list of “what ifs?” What if I lose my job? What if I get into a car accident right now? What if dinner is disgusting? What if the weather is bad? What if I miss my flight?

Concern after concern pops into your head. Before you know it, you’ve become an anxious mess. Up at night. Tired and exhausted. Brain buzzing with “what ifs.”

Of course, worrywarts can be quite adept at concealing the messiness, and showing a cool-as-a-cucumber exterior, while we’re screaming inside.

Whether you worry every day or here and there, these strategies can help you ward off your worries and reduce your anxiety.

Ask yourself right now if you can do something about it. The problem with worry, among others, is that it steals everyday moments. It prevents us from living in the present and enjoying ourselves. In an article on Beliefnet.com, author Allia Zobel Nolan writes:

You’re at the movies and a worrisome thought crosses your mind. Did I check whether the documents were sent tonight to my client? This thought leads to another and another: If it didn’t get sent, maybe I can drop it off in the morning? But I have a breakfast meeting with the V.P. tomorrow. In the meantime, half the movie has gone by, and you’ve missed it.

Zobel Nolan suggests asking ourselves: “Can I do anything about this matter right now, right this minute?”

If you can’t, write down your worry, release it and focus on right now.

Block out “worry time.” If your worries are interfering with your day, schedule a time each day that you’re going to worry — and only worry during that time. If a worrisome thought comes into your mind, just say to yourself “I’ll worry about this at 7 p.m.”Also, during your “worry time,” brainstorm some ways you can fix your concerns. Some of your worries may be legitimate and no doubt you’ll feel much better if you create actionable solutions.
Realize that worrying is a choice and do something better with your time. This is another tip from Zobel Nolan. Sure, we don’t have complete control over our thoughts, but thinking of worry as a choice is empowering. You don’t have to feed your worry. Once Zobel Nolan notices that worries are swirling in her head, she focuses on another activity, “something that requires your complete mental attention.”Think of your favorite activities that distract you, calm you down and give you laser-like focus. Maybe that’s reading inspiring lines from a book, praying, meditating or doing a puzzle.
Flood a piece of paper with your worries. When your brain is bursting with worries, write them down. Release all those cooped-up worries from the corners of your mind, and let the paper deal with them. By writing down your worries, you feel as though you’re emptying your brain, and you feel lighter and less tense.
Identify the deeper threats behind your worries and instead work on those. Robert L. Leahy, Ph.D, writes in his book, The Worry Cure: Seven Steps to Stop Worry from Stopping You (read an excerpt here):

You worry about some things but not others. Why? Your core belief is the source of the worry. It may be your concern about being imperfect, being abandoned, feeling helpless, looking like a fool, or acting irresponsibly.

So dig deeper into your worries to find the actual root of the problem. Do your worries revolve around the same theme or several similar themes? Write them down and look for patterns.

If you tackle the root cause, there’s a good chance that these worries won’t come up anymore — or won’t be so powerful.

Feel your feelings. What does worrying have to do with identifying and processing your emotions? According to Leahy, worrying is what we do to avoid unpleasant or painful emotions. He writes:

You are afraid of your feelings because you think you should be rational, in control, never upset, always clear in how you feel, and on top of things. Even though you recognize that you’re a nervous wreck, your fear of your feelings drives you into more worry.

Participate in physical activity. Physical activity helps in calming your nerves and clearing your mind. When I work out, my worries seem to melt away. Of course, they don’t vanish but physical activity has a way of putting life into perspective. Those happy endorphins probably have something to do with it, too. Just be sure to engage in physical activities that you genuinely enjoy and that make you happy.
Practice regular self-care. When you’re overworked, stressed-out and sleep-deprived, anxiety and worry thrive. So work on getting enough sleep, taking time out to engage in enjoyable activities and nourishing your body.
See a therapist. Maybe you’ve tried the above tips to no avail or your worry has worsened. If worry is ruling your world — interfering with work, your relationships or daily life in general — consider seeing a therapist. You can search for a therapist using this tool.

What do you usually worry about? What kinds of themes or patterns surround your worries? What’s worked for you in warding off your worries?

Tips for dealing with the 'January blues'

2011-01-24T16:24:00.000+11:00

The Christmas and New Year glow can dim quickly, leaving a section of the population with the “January blues”.
A Northern Territory psychologist has some timely advice to help minimise the post-holiday doldrums.
Senior Lecturer in Psychology at Charles Darwin University, Dr Peter Forster said that people often set themselves up for disappointment by having expectations of the Christmas and New Years period that were too high.
Dr Forster said that if the holiday period did not live up to those expectations, there could be a sense of let down after it’s over.
“Many people feel a bit down when they go back to work after a holiday and there can be a distinct air of gloom over an organisation and this can be contagious,” he said.
“Obviously, quite a few families have financial worries at this time of year. Some families expect everyone to give expensive presents and when that is added to all the other expenses it can be a real problem when the post-Christmas bills arrive.”
High on Dr Forster’s list of how we can deal with the “January blues” is to try to forget about ourselves for a while and help others.
“Contribute to your local community, for example,” he said.
“It helps you, it builds communities and it helps create resources that you can draw on in the future if times get hard. Being part of a strong, supportive community is one of the best ‘anti-stress pills’ you can have.”
Dr Forster’s tips for dealing with the January blues include:
• Take regular exercise that you enjoy
• Don’t try to cope by drinking alcohol or you’ll give yourself more problems to deal with
• Despite all the temptations of the season, try to eat a healthy and balanced diet
• Take time to relax, if only for a few minutes a day
• Make sure you get enough sleep
• Prioritise your tasks by importance.

A Christmas Wish for Peace on Earth

2010-12-23T09:03:00.000+11:00

Peace comes not by imposing our wills or asserting the correctness of our ways and beliefs over others, but by reckoning with our own hearts.

“Peace on the earth, goodwill to men,” cry the touching lyrics of the popular carol It Came Upon a Midnight Clear. Every year at Christmas time, our thoughts turn to the seemingly elusive but long-held quest for peace and harmony. But will a just, genuine and lasting peace ever come? Perhaps the answer to that question rests not so much with our governments, military, and political leaders, but within each of our hearts.

Human beings have always fought one another. Strife has been a major part of life since life began. But the reasons we fight and the ways we fight have never been fully understood.

For a long time, it was presumed that in a world with plenty for everyone, there would be no need for war, intolerance, or injustice. Need, deprivation, and desperation were thought to be the roots of conflict and war. But there is something in us all that’s more fundamentally responsible for the tumultuous world in which we live. It’s the will to power and dominance that’s the real culprit. And the desire to dominate doesn’t have to spring from the need to overcome disadvantage.

Psychologists have long known about the connection between beliefs, attitudes, and behavior. What we think about things, how we interpret events around us, the core values we hold, all influence how we will behave toward one another. Sometimes, even irrational and dysfunctional beliefs can be held with catastrophic conviction. And when those beliefs are coupled with the will to power and dominance, you can fairly well predict that unholy hell or war will soon break out. It’s one thing to believe really strongly in something, but it’s another thing entirely to desire that everyone believe just as we believe. Danger always looms whenever we decide that our way is the way or that our way of seeing things is the way everyone should see things.

The world is at a crossroads in the history of our social evolution. Some very prominent and deeply ingrained systems of thought are clashing with one another. For some ardent believers, peace can only come when everyone else’s beliefs and values crumble and bow in submission to their own. There are also some who in the name of ardent beliefs and values seek only power and dominance. For them, it’s not really so much a matter of whether others come to see things their way as it is that others simply do as they command. For still others, there’s the issue of unhealthy pride that prevents them from acknowledging any deficiency in their ways of thinking or behaving, which prompts their desire to find enemies they can blame for the dysfunctional state of their existence. When you look very closely at all the events of the time, one can’t help but thinking that the world might indeed be marching toward something quite ominous — something like a climactic showdown.

Peace on earth will not come until we face the most crafty of all enemies: ourselves. We hold the key to peace and harmony in our hearts. And what the world needs now, more than anything, is a change of heart. We won’t get along with one another until we start being honest with ourselves and one another about what we really want, what we really believe, and what we’re really willing to sacrifice to achieve the peace and harmony that has long eluded us.

This Christmas, let us spend some time reflecting on the sentiments that have always been associated with the season. While we celebrate with family and friends, let us also pledge ourselves to our part in the ages-old quest for peace on earth and goodwill toward men. Let us commit to changing the world, not by imposing our wills or asserting the correctness of our ways and beliefs over others, but by reckoning with our own hearts. That’s how the world will be transformed: one heart at a time.

5 Ways to Beat the Christmas Blues

2010-12-21T06:30:00.000+11:00

Stop holiday stress from turning into holiday blues with these five tips — and get back to what the season can be all about.

The year-end holidays can be a very special time indeed. Getting together with friends and family and sharing the joys of the season can be a time to build life-long remembrances. But for some, the holidays can be a time of great stress. Folks struggling with losses, undergoing conflict and upheaval, and dealing with painful emotional issues can experience the “blues,” sometimes exacerbated by the knowledge that others they know do not share their misery.
Finding some ways to prevent or beat the Christmas season blues can make all the difference for those struggling to capture at least part of the spirit of the holiday. After surveying the advice of many experts on issues ranging from holiday stress and anxiety to dealing with losses and overcoming depression, a consensus emerged about the things a person can do to stave off or reduce the blues:

Acceptance.: Whatever the circumstances are that might keep you from enjoying the holidays to the fullest, it’s important to acknowledge what’s not in your power to control, to avoid blaming yourself and compounding any misery, and to find room for acceptance of yourself and your situation. That’s not the same as giving up hope. It just means acknowledging circumstances as they are and not making matters worse by casting harmful or unwarranted negative aspersions toward oneself for the situation at hand.
Take care of yourself.: Be sure to eat right, sleep right, get as much exercise as possible, and take time to relax. Pamper yourself a bit. Take time to break open that book you’ve been wanting to read. Take a warm, relaxing bath. Sip a nourishing drink. Treat yourself to a not-so-serious movie. Even in tough times — especially in tough times — it’s important to be attentive to your most basic needs.
Involve yourself with the people and the activities you love.: Call up an old friend. Go window-shopping with a partner-in-crime. Even if you have to be home and for one reason or another have to remain alone, surround yourself with some of the things you love. Put some favorite songs on the stereo. Watch a favorite old movie on TV. Make your immediate environment as pleasant and comforting as possible.
Throw some light on the situation.: Take some walks outdoors, especially if it’s sunny. Sunshine has a remarkable capacity to brighten spirits as well as the day.
Find some way to give.: It’s so easy to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for yourself when you face difficult circumstances during the holidays. And while you might not feel very inclined to do so in the beginning, it’s always helpful to find some way to give of yourself to others. Not only is that what the season is supposed to be about, but also it can be a real boost to the despondent spirit to become involved in an enterprise that positively impacts others.; ‘Tis the season to be joyful and merry. And if life’s many trials and tribulations have put a damper on your usual holiday spirit, you might have a real challenge on your hands just to get through the season with a minimum of stress. But it’s important to remember that the true meaning of the season is not in all the festivities or all the gifts given and received. The real spirit of the holiday, and the greatest gift you can possibly share, is the one you alone can offer: the gift of love.

How to Cope with the Holiday Season Stress

2010-11-28T13:33:00.000+11:00

North Pole Conference Tackles Holiday Stress
By Tim O'Brien

DATELINE: The North Pole

A press release from the North Pole hit the wire today. The release gave details of a unique conference convened by Mr. S. Claus. The delegates represented many diverse groups. The primary focus was on ways to help people "handle the holidays."

The group identified the four primary causes of Holiday stress as: Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and New Year's Eve. However, everyone in attendance wanted the world to know that the conference position paper, "10 Hints for a Happier Holidays," would work all year round.

Passed by a unanimous vote, here are the elf and electorate's "10 Hints for Happier Holidays."

1.Hide, it works nearly every time. If you need a little break, admit it and seek refuge. Go to a private place and take a few long deep breaths and sing your favorite Holiday tune to regroup.

2. Rehearse the worst, and then if it happens, you've made preparations. And since the worst seldom happens, you can make a game out of what does.

3. Get organized early. List all your holiday chores: cards if you send them, decorating the house, gifts, special cooking, wrapping, and mailing. Just listing everything you have to do, helps you feel less harried. Set a schedule and do a little every day. Check items off your list as you complete them. This will show your progress. Address a card or two per day. Wrap while you watch a favorite TV show. Remember, procrastination is the real "Grinch that stole Christmas."

4. Reinstate the draft; get everyone in the house to help. Share the fun, share the duties. Children too, just confine them to one room so if they make a mess you only have one room to redecorate in the spring.

5. Use modern innovations to make your traditions easier. Say you have 5 dozen cookies to send in with Johnny or Mary for the school party. Throw away the "from scratch" recipe. Buy a tube of ready mix, cook them 2 minutes less than they say (it makes them chewy). Put some sprinkles on the cookies and swear the children to secrecy. This creates little mess and is fast.

6. Moderation and "this too will pass." No matter what we think to the contrary, there will only be 31 days in December this year. If events get rough, start the countdown. Look forward to something in January, like December being over. Use moderation in eating, drinking and spending. You don't want a head, belt or debt hangover.

7. Empathy works when you think the world is out to get you. Look around. There are undoubtedly others who are worse off. If you see someone struggling, offer help if appropriate. Focus on what you do have, "count your blessings." Remember, love is free to share. And, it comes in unlimited supply to those who use it.

8. QTIP: The next time you're in a holiday traffic jam, or stuck in a slow checkout line; remember QTIP, and "Quit Taking It Personally." The checkout line isn't there to drive you crazy. The stop light is not a part of a plan to ruin your day. Don't get upset about what is beyond your control.

9. Contrarian shoppers start early and end early. Take an early lunch and shop on off days at the mall. Use mail order if the price is right. Have a detailed list of gifts with alternates if your first choice isn't available. Consider shopping year round for the holidays. Often, summer sales mean better gifts next year.

10. The Chemistry of Joy will see you through. There is an actual chemistry of joy and happiness that occurs within us. It is a chemical reaction caused by signals our brain gives to our autonomic nervous system. A positive, happy outlook triggers immune strengthening responses in our body. Laugh, enjoy humor, sing, and think about the joy you give to others and that they give you.

Happy Holidays everyone, and have a happy, healthier year of your dreams in 2011.

(c) Copyright 1998 Timothy J. O'Brien

How to Spot a Dangerous Man...and avoid or escape harmful relationships.

2010-10-26T09:40:00.000+11:00

The Power of Relapsing

Never before in my career have I seen more 'relapsing back into pathological relationships' than I have lately.

"What's wrong with me? Why do I do this?" they ask. My answer is -- I don't know... why DO you do it?

"I didn't know what I was doing..." Yes you did. Contact is a choice.

"I just thought he changed this time." No you didn't -- you know pathology is permanent.

"I was lonely." O.K., loneliness is not fatal -- but these relationships often are. Your loneliness and need does not change his permanent disorder.

Nothing has changed except your thoughts about him and the relationship. That's the only change. Since pathology is marked by an inability to change and sustain positive change, your thoughts are the only change in the relationship that there is. And maybe your desire or need.

Relapsing begins FIRST in the mind long before it becomes a behavior-seeking missile that is fired off to destroy yourself and your recovery. This is why being in a Pathological Love Relationship Support Group is so important -- whether that's in a chat forum, an in-person support group you attend, or an online tele-conferencing group. You need support that keeps your THINKING outside of the fantasy zone. Without support, you are likely to sink right back into the old fantasy hopefulness that keeps you glued to a go-nowhere and dangerous relationship.

Relapse Thinking sounds like this in your head:

You take all the material you've learned from books or online back to the pathological and try to convince them they are pathological and need help.

You tell them what your counselor has said about them, you, or the relationship--hoping the impact from a professional will 'change their mind' about their condition.

You say, "Now that I 'think' I know what 'might' be wrong with them, I'll wait and watch for them to do these behaviors. Then I'll have evidence for why I'm leaving."

When they, in fact DO one of the behaviors, you either point it out to them as proof you were right, or, you find reasons why the behavior isn't 'exactly' what you read and therefore, they may not be pathological afterall!

You read the materials and literature looking to find all the traits they don't have. You reread the literature on good days so you can cross off behaviors they aren't doing today.

You find reasons to disbelieve the literature about the disorder.

You avoid your counselor, this website, or others who know about the disorder.

You become 'spiritually hopeful' so you can stay in the relationship because "God is going to heal them."

You begin reading 'Positive' Psychology materials so you can HOPE he can change - even though pathology is about no-change.

You call his girlfriends or exes to get them to confirm or deny he's pathological.

You hire a private investigator to follow them, hack into their phone or computer, for 'just a little more info' on why you should leave them (but then, you don't leave.)

You feel sorry for them more than you feel anger for your own pain.

You focus on the few good times and stuff your own feelings about the deceitful behavior.

You encourage them to carrot-dangle some future hope or potential to you so you can say "We're try it ONE MORE time."

You think you are confronting them because you stand up to them and so you are not being victimized by them if you are voicing your thoughts.

You minimize their previous deceitful, manipulative, dangerous, exploitative or lethal beahvior by saying "I was probably over exaggerating it."

You label yourself "just as sick as they are" so you might as well stay with them. No one healthy would want you.

You envy their lack of conscience and remorse and see it as a 'good life' feature and wish you were like that and cared less about what happened to you. Everything seems to go their way when they lack conscience.

You hyper-focus on their behavior and avoid taking care of yourself. The relationship/them become the reason for: your unhappiness, health, financial, or other problems.

You study to death all the traits of every kind of disorder you think they might have and don't leave because you 'want to totally understand it before you leave' and need 'just a little bit more' understanding or validation from others -- their family, their therapist, your therapist, your friends, etc.

You start softening, missing them, minimizing their behavior, focusing on your own loneliness, panic about who or what they are doing, make excuses to have contact with them. And ~ Voila~ you're back in.

The 'emergency session' calls that everyone wants to have is always AFTER they have done one of these behaviors and then feels awful about their relapse. The emergency session needs to be WHILE you are having these thoughts and BEFORE you acted on them.

Every time you go through one of these cycles of relapses, it just numbs you more to why you should be out. It makes it easier and easier to relapse. And easier for the thinking to start back up in your head and be totally unrecognized by you.

Damage is done to YOU each time you are in and out of the pathological love relationship, damaging your sense of reality even further -- training YOURSELF how to hypnotize your belief system with one of the thinking phrases listed above. You are also teaching the pathological how to get you back in the relationship.
They aren't stupid! They are master behavior analysts that study what works with you. Stop teaching them!

There is so much that the pathological relationship has legitimately done and damaged in you. But there is so much you DO TO YOURSELF in your relapsing. Relapse prevention requires work. It doesn't just 'happen' that you declare you are 'done' and you stay gone. If it takes a whole village to raise a child, it takes a whole community to help you get out and stay out until MUCH MORE TIME down the road, you are strong enough on your own.

I said, MUCH MORE TIME.

Day one of healing does not happen until you are out and have been out and have been emotionally disconnected for SEVERAL months. People who say they are recovering but are in and out and having constant relapse contact, I don't consider to have even day-one under their belt.

For those of you who are truly ready to start a new life, we are here to help you.

If you are still playing cat and mouse games with pathology, contact us when you're serious.

We are offering NEW online tele-conferencing support groups. Here's one way to get the support and help you need to get out and stay out. And don't forget we offer help in almost every format imaginable: books, e-books, workbooks, hypnosis CDs, mindfulness skills training, retreats, phone counseling... there just isn't a reason to stay stuck.

Unwedge yourself!

Facebook isn't about close friendships....

2010-10-01T07:55:00.000+10:00

A growing number of therapists and inpatient rehabilitation centers are often treating Web addicts with the same approaches, including 12-step programs, used to treat chemical addictions.
Because the condition is not recognized in psychiatry as a disorder, insurance companies do not reimburse for treatment. So patients either pay out of pocket, or therapists and treatment centers bill for other afflictions, including the nonspecific impulse control disorder.

These specialists estimate that 6 percent to 10 percent of the approximately 189 million Internet users in tthe US have a dependency that can be as destructive as alcoholism and drug addiction, and they are rushing to treat it. Yet some in the field remain skeptical that heavy use of the Internet qualifies as a legitimate addiction, and one academic expert called it a fad illness.
Skeptics argue that even obsessive Internet use does not exact the same toll on health or family life as conventionally recognized addictions. But, mental health professionals who support the diagnosis of Internet addiction say, a majority of obsessive users are online to further addictions to gambling or pornography or have become much more dependent on those vices because of their prevalence on the Internet.
But other users have a broader dependency and spend hours online each day, surfing the Web, trading stocks, instant messaging or blogging, and a fast-rising number are becoming addicted to Internet video games.....

The Silent Treatment - Abuse or not?

2010-09-23T09:18:00.002+10:00

Research indicates that children would rather be yelled at than ignored.

When prisoners are being punished, they are put in isolation, because being isolated is one of the harshest punishments there is - other than physical abuse.

The silent treatment is a form of punishment, a way to attempt to control children and partners into doing what you want them to do. It is a withdrawal of approval, and can cause much fear in people who are vulnerable to this.

You are giving people the silent treatment when you shut down to them, closing your heart and refusing to interact with them or acknowledge their presence. You act as if they are invisible, not responding to them at all or giving them a very minimal and withheld response. Your hope in treating them this way is that they will get the message that they have displeased you. They have done something wrong in your eyes and deserve to be punished, deserve to have your "love" taken away.

Of course, what you are taking away is not love at all, since love is unconditional. What you are taking away is your approval, and for children and approval-dependent adults, it is a powerful form of control.

The Consequences

While it may seem to you to work for the moment, there are huge negative consequences following the silent treatment. Children feel unloved and unlovable, developing deep beliefs about their inadequacy. While they may comply to avoid your withdrawal of approval, inwardly they are likely to feel lonely and heartbroken - feelings that they can't handle - so they become angry and resistant to manage the feelings. Their anger and resistance may show up in others areas that cause problems for them and for you.

While your partner may scurry around to try to please you and get you to reconnect with him or her, the fact that you have so deeply disconnected creates feelings of heartache in your partner that may eventually lead to the end of the relationship. What seems to work for the moment may lead to exactly what you don’t want in the long run.

When Your Partner is Punishing you with the Silent Treatment

What goes on inside you when your partner shuts down to you?

Do you tell yourself you must have done something wrong?
Do you feel a sense of loneliness and heartache that feels unbearable?
Do you feel alone and abandoned inside?
Do you feel anxious and scared?

If you feel any of these, it is really because you are abandoning yourself and making your partner responsible for you. It is you doing this that is allowing the silent treatment to work to control you.

If you were taking loving care of yourself and taking 100% responsibility for your own feelings, here is what would be going on inside:

You would be telling yourself: "My partner is choosing to punish me rather than take responsibility for his or her feelings. Whatever I may or may not have done that he or she doesn't like, I am not responsible for how he or she is dealing with it, and I have no control over him or her.
You would be bringing love inside, letting yourself know that you are a good person and deserving of love.
You would get out of range of your partner's energy - taking a walk, reading a book, calling a friend, or doing something else to make yourself happy.
You would keep your own heart open, not going into anger or judgment toward your partner, so that when your partner decides to open again, there is no residue for you. You would not punish your partner for trying to punish you. You would just make sure that their punishment doesn't work for them.

Eventually, when you are truly taking loving care of yourself, others will stop using the silent treatment, since it will no longer work for them.

Psychopaths in your Workplace?

2010-09-22T07:00:00.000+10:00

The majority of psychopaths are not serial killers or rapists, they are colleagues, bosses and employees found in workplaces throughout Australia. Workplace psychopaths are predators who ruthlessly charm and manipulate the people around them, gratifying themselves without remorse. They are people who lack a conscience, living in their own complex world where society’s rules are broken at will. This course will examine what a psychopath is, their personality style, behaviours, interpersonal approach and thought processes. You will see exactly how they infiltrate companies undetected, the strategies they use to manipulate those around them to achieve power and promotion. The different types of workplace psychopath will also be explored. Dr Clarke will also look at what companies and individuals can do to minimise damage caused by the psychopath.

** I have attended Dr Clarke's seminar and can highly recommend it.

What is Stalking?

2010-09-21T08:01:00.000+10:00

Are you being stalked by an ex-partner, colleague, friend or stranger?

You are not alone.

Community surveys suggest that each year between 1% and 2% of women and 0.25% to 0.5% of men are stalked (Australian Bureau of Statistics, 1996; Tjaden and Thoennes, 1998). Although these behaviors have been documented for centuries, stalking has been recognized as a social problem only during the last decade (Meloy, 1999; Mullen et al., 2000). The media began using the word stalking in the late 1980s to describe persistent following of celebrities. It was soon generalized to include a wide range of recurrent harassments and an equally diverse range of victims. Successful media campaigns established stalking as a public issue and stimulated legislative changes to allow the more effective prosecution of stalkers.

Who are the victims?

It can be anyone of us.

The impact on the victim's psychological and social well-being is considerable. Pathé and Mullen (1997) studied 100 victims of persistent stalking. The majority had to severely restrict their lives by changing or abandoning work, curtailing all social activities, and becoming virtual recluses. Over 80% developed significant anxiety symptoms. Sleep disturbance was common, and many resorted to substance abuse. Over half had symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder. Feelings of powerlessness and depression were common, and nearly a quarter of the victims were actively considering suicide as a means of escape.

What will a Stalker do?

They feel justified, in the right and angry.

Zona et al. (1993) were the first to systematically study assault in stalking. They suggested a low risk of overt violence, with only two out of 74 stalkers physically assaulting their victims. In contrast, Harmon and colleagues (1998) reported that 46% of stalkers exhibited violent conduct. The majority of stalkers who threatened their victims subsequently acted upon their stated intentions. Kienlen and colleagues (1997) reported that 32% of stalkers in their study committed assaults, with assault higher among the nonpsychotic subjects with personality disorder or substance abuse. Mullen et al. (1999) reported over a third of the victims in their study were attacked by their stalker. In addition, 6% of stalkers assaulted third parties whom they believed were impeding their access to the target. These studies are based on samples of stalkers. Victims, however, are in our view the most reliable source of information about intimidation, threats and violence. Hall (1998) reported that 41% of the 145 victims studied had been threatened, 43% had their property damaged, 38% were hit or beaten, and 22% were sexually assaulted. In addition, 11 subjects were kidnapped and two were victims of arson attacks. Pathé and Mullen (1997), in their sample of 100 victims, reported that 58 had been threatened, 36% were assaulted and 7% suffered sexual attacks. Threats preceded assault in 70% of cases. Assault was significantly more likely for victims who had had a former intimate relationship with the stalker. Meloy (1999, 1998) concluded that approximately half of all stalkers threaten the victim. The majority of those who threaten do not proceed to subsequent violence. Nonetheless, threats should be taken seriously, as those who proceed to assault have usually threatened previously. Violence occurs in approximately a third of the cases, yet rarely results in serious physical injury.

Is there more than one type of Stalker?

Yes

Stalker Types
There have been several attempts to describe the different types of stalker (Harmon et al., 1995; Mullen et al., 1999; Zona et al., 1993). No generally accepted classification has yet emerged.
Mullen et al. (1999) proposed a multiaxial classification. The first axis was a typology derived primarily from the stalker's motivation, the second from the prior relationship to the victim, and the third a division into nonpsychotic and psychotic subjects. This attempted to capture the stalker's behavior in terms of both motivation and the needs and desires the stalking itself satisfies. They described five subtypes:
1.The Rejected respond to an unwelcome end to a close relationship by actions intended to lead to reconciliation, an extraction of reparation from the victim or both. For the stalker, the behavior maintains some semblance of continued contact and relationship with the victim.
2.The Intimacy Seekers pursue someone they have little, if any, relationship with in the mistaken belief that they are loved, or inevitably will be loved, by the victim. The stalking satisfies needs for contact and closeness while feeding fantasies of an eventual loving relationship.
3.The Incompetent are would-be suitors seeking a partner. Given their ignorance or indifference to the usual courting rituals, they use methods that are, at best, counterproductive and, at worst, terrifying. The stalking provides an approximation of finding a partner.
4.The Resentful respond to a perceived insult or injury by actions aimed not just at revenge but at vindication. The stalking is the act of vengeance.
5.The Predatory pursue their desires for sexual gratification and control. The stalking is a rehearsal for the stalker's violent sexual fantasies and a partial satisfaction of voyeuristic and sadistic desires.
6.When the typology, relationship to the victim and psychotic/nonpsychotic dichotomy were combined, the result predicted the duration and nature of the stalking, the risks of threatening and violent behavior, and, to some extent, the response to management strategies (Mullen et al., 1999; Mullen et al., 2000).
The rejected used the widest range of behaviors, such as following, repeatedly approaching, telephoning, letter-writing and leaving notes. In contrast, the predatory stalkers concentrated almost exclusively on furtively following and maintaining surveillance. Intimacy seekers were the most prolific letter-writers, and they also sent the most unsolicited gifts and other materials. Duration was longest in the rejected and intimacy seekers and shortest in the predatory. The psychotic subjects were most likely to send unsolicited materials, and the nonpsychotic to follow and maintain surveillance.
The psychotic and nonpsychotic were equally likely to threaten, but the nonpsychotic were twice as likely to proceed to assault. The rejected were the most likely type to assault and the resentful, although often issuing threats, were the least likely to resort to overt violence. The best predictor of stalking duration was typology. Also best predicted by typology were assaults. When assaults were combined with substance abuse and a history of prior convictions, they accounted for most of the explained variance. Intimacy seekers were largely impervious to judicial sanctions, and often regarded court appearances and imprisonment as the price to be paid in the pursuit of true love. They often had a treatable psychiatric disorder, however, that when effectively managed, ended the stalking.
In contrast, the rejected, who could usually calculate their own advantage, often responded to the threat or imposition of judicial sanctions by curbing their behavior. The rejected type, however, do have significant levels of psychopathology, particularly connected to personality disorder, and therapeutic interventions can play a role in preventing a relapse. The incompetent type could usually be persuaded to abandon the pursuit of their current victim with relative ease. The challenge is to prevent them from harassing the next victim who catches their fancy. The predatory were generally paraphilics. Management of their sexual deviance is central to the prevention of stalking recidivism. The resentful, who all too often were both self-righteous and self-pitying, can be very difficult to engage therapeutically. Unless they have an overt paranoid illness, they rarely benefit from mandated treatment. They will, however, usually abandon their harassment if the cost to them, in terms of judicial sanctions, becomes too high. Victims' distress can only be relieved by stopping the stalker. Stalking is criminal (in most jurisdictions), but is a behavior in which mental disorder can often play a role. In managing the stalker, the choice between criminal sanctions and therapy is not either/or. Rather, the choice should be pragmatic, selecting the appropriate balance of judicial sanctions and therapy that will best end the stalking and reduce the chances of future recurrences (Mullen et al., 2000).

Thought for today

2010-09-21T07:46:00.002+10:00

Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.
--- St. Francis of Assisi

9 Ways to Study Smarter

2010-09-15T07:52:00.000+10:00

After spending more years in school than I’d care to admit, I’ve begun taking on the role of tutor in my family. Sadly, most of the academic “problems” I encounter aren’t understood in light of the wealth of knowledge we have about learning, psychology, and organizational strategies.

Welcome

2010-09-14T08:47:00.002+10:00

Welcome to the latest development in the continuing story of Avalon Counselling and Psychotherapy Centre's online presence.